TV PRESENTER
It's Friday, it's 7 o'clock! 
Yes, it's time for an evening with Marty Ross!!
AND HERE’S MARTY!

MARTY ROSS
Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together. 
[Sound of rewind on TV] 
Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together. 
[Sound of rewind on TV ]
Hi darling, Marty Ross here. Let's spend this afternoon together.

BRIDGET 
[Gasping noise] Marty! Hi! I was just writing notes for your show.

MARTY ROSS 
You like what you see, eh?

BRIDGET 
[Laughs]
Marty, you're so funny!

MARTY ROSS 
[Clears throat]
Is Lady Macbeth in?

BRIDGET 
Who?

MARTY ROSS 
The dragon - Eunice.

BRIDGET 
Oh. Oh no. Marty, you're so funny!

MARTY ROSS 
Has Eunice got any tickets for Damian Pollasco's latest exhibition yet?

BRIDGET 
Who?

MARTY ROSS 
Damian Pollasco. 
The most important artist this century. 
He's so raw, so angry.

BRIDGET 
Of course he is. Silly me. I forgot. 
Good old Damian.

MARTY ROSS 
Anyone who is anyone will be there tomorrow night.
[Clears throat] So of course I must be there.

 

BRIDGET 
Oh yes.

MARTY ROSS 
So tell the dragon if there are no tickets, I will not present Saturday's show.

BRIDGET 
But you must, Marty! You're the star!

MARTY ROSS 
But if there are tickets, then I will take her out to dinner. 
In fact, I'll take anyone out to dinner who gets me those tickets. 
Anyway, must go. I've got fans to ignore! Well? Carry on.

BRIDGET 
Oh!

MARTY ROSS [On TV]
Hi, darling. Marty Ross here. Let's spend this evening together.

MARTY ROSS
What a professional!

BRIDGET 
So if I get tickets for Damian Pollasco, I get dinner with Marty Ross! 
Who do I know, who do I know? I know! Dave! He's crazy about me!  
[Sound of telephone number being dialed] 
Hi, Dave? It's Bridget. I've got a little favour to ask you.

HECTOR 
Is anybody home? Annie, is that you? Is that Ziggy? 
I think you should let her out.

ANNIE 
Oh no, it's OK. We're seeing what it's like to be a battery chicken.

HECTOR 
A chicken that runs on batteries?

ANNIE 
No! A chicken that is kept in a small box to lay her eggs. Poor thing.

HECTOR 
But isn't Ziggy a bit...

ANNIE 
Oh no. It makes it more real, doesn't it, Ziggy. 
Tomorrow there is a big Farm Animal Freedom Protest 
in Trafalgar Square and we will be demonstrating.

NICK 
Demonstrating what?

ANNIE 
What it's like to be a farm animal.

NICK 
Oh! Sounds exciting!

ANNIE 
Boggy and Moss are coming from Manchester.

ZIGGY 
Yay!

HECTOR 
Boggy and Moss?

ANNIE 
Boggy and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors.

HECTOR 
Eco-warriors?

ANNIE 
They fight for the environment. And you two will help us prepare.

NICK
Ah-ah-ah-ah! Agh!!

ANNIE
Won’t you, boys!

BRIDGET 
[Laughing]
Bye! 
Good old Dave. I knew he'd help me. He just can't resist me. Now, Marty.

Sound of mobile phone

MARTY ROSS 
Hi.

BRIDGET 
Oh, hi, Marty. It's Gigi.

MARTY ROSS 
Gee-Gee? ... ... Bridget who?

BRIDGET 
Bridget! 
Eunice's researcher.

MARTY ROSS 
Have we met?

BRIDGET 
Well, only about a hundred times!
Listen, I've got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco.

MARTY ROSS 
Oh, that Bridget. How could I forget you? 
How about meeting for drinks at your place first?

BRIDGET 
I'd, er, love to, but it's just a simple loft-style apartment.

MARTY ROSS 
Well, I'm sure it's very arty. I can tell a lot about a woman from her art. 
They call me Arty Marty, you know, 
and if I like your art, Bridget, maybe dinner afterwards?

BRIDGET 
Oh, Marty! What a surprise! I'd love to!

MARTY ROSS 
See you tomorrow, baby!

 

BRIDGET 
[Giggling]
Bye!

MARTY ROSS 
Ciao!

BRIDGET 
Dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty, dinner with Marty! 
What shall I wear? My flat - arty? [Flashback sequence]  - Annie, look at this flat.

ANNIE 
Sorry, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Right, I've got twenty four hours.

ANNIE [Composing email] 
It is the Farm Animal Freedom Protest tomorrow and Ziggy 
and I want to demonstrate what it is like to be a poor farm animal.

HECTOR 
I think you should let her out.

ANNIE 
Oh no, it's OK.

ANNIE [Composing email]
Boggy and Moss the eco-warriors are coming from Manchester!

ANNIE
Boggie and Moss are very, very serious eco-warriors.

ANNIE [Composing email]
Oh, it’s so exciting!

ANNIE
And you two will help us prepare.

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
Guess what? Marty Ross and I are going to the preview of Damian Pollasco's exhibition!

BRIDGET
I’ve got two preview tickets for Damian Pollasco.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
He’s coming to our apartment for drinks first.
Marty says he can tell a lot about a woman from her art!

MARTY ROSS 
They call me Arty Marty, you know.

BRIDGET 
And what is going on this time?

ANNIE 
Oh, hi, Bridget. I'm feeding Hector cornflakes.

BRIDGET 
Oh really? And why?

ANNIE 
He's a turkey.
BRIDGET 
Ah yes, of course he is.

ANNIE 
Turkeys are made to eat lots for Christmas.

BRIDGET 
Well, we all eat lots at Christmas.

ANNIE 
No, it's cruel. It's to make them fat for humans to eat.

BRIDGET 
Let me guess - he is a baby cow?

ANNIE 
Nearly. He is a veal calf. Poor thing. 
We're preparing for our Farm Animal Freedom Protest.

BRIDGET 
Oh no you're not. 
You're preparing this flat because Marty Ross is coming for drinks.

NICK 
Not Marty Ross? “Hey, darling, let's spend the evening together.”

BRIDGET 
Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle.

ANNIE 
So this preparation, what is it?

BRIDGET 
I want this flat to look like the coolest art gallery in London -- the Tate Modern.

HECTOR 
The Tate Modern?

NICK 
No furniture.

BRIDGET 
I want 21st century. I want art! 

ANNIE 
So how are you going to do this?

BRIDGET 
I'm not going to do it - you are!

NICK 
Oh.

BRIDGET 
I must get my beauty sleep. See you in the morning. Have fun!

NICK 
[Sound of burping] 
Well, I'm not doing it.

ANNIE

Oh, come on, Nick. It won't take long.

NICK 
Uh-uh.

ANNIE 
I'll give Ziggy the keys to your flat.

NICK 
[Sound of nervous laughter]
OK, let's get on with it!

Sound of snoring

BRIDGET
There! That's better! Marty will love it!

ANNIE 
The things I do for Bridget's love life.

NICK 
What about Bridget's love life?

BRIDGET 
Right, I'll be back with Marty at 6 o'clock, so Annie, I want nibbles...

HECTOR 
Nibbles?

BRIDGET 
...nuts, crisps. 
Hector, you prepare the drinks and Nick... try to be more interesting and don't let me down.

NICK 
“I want 21st century! I want art!” 
Yeah! I'll show her interesting!

Sound of door slamming

HECTOR 
Poofff! I'm taking the day off work today.

ANNIE 
Oh no, you're not. We've got lots to do before tonight.

HECTOR 
Bridget's nibbles?

ANNIE 
No! The Farm Animal Freedom Protest.

HECTOR 
Oh.

ANNIE 
Boggy and Moss are coming here and I want you to look after them, Hector, OK? 
Come on, Ziggy.

NICK 
Interesting? I'll show you interesting, Bridget Evans. 
Hmm! Ah! Interesting, interesting! Nah, too Picasso. Whooff! No, too sporty and stupid. 
Yes! This is the one! Nah. [Imitates sound of cock crowing]
Don't be ridiculous. Nearly, not quite. 
Bingo!

 

NICK [Composing email]
What a day! What a night!
First I had to pretend I was a veal calf for Annie’s protest photos.

ANNIE 
Poor thing. We're preparing for our Farm Animal Freedom Protest.

NICK [Composing email] 
Ziggy fed me lots of milk. 
Then, Bridget made us change the flat so it looked ‘arty.’

BRIDGET 
I want 21st century! I want art!

NICK [Composing email] 
It's all for stupid Marty Ross.

NICK
“Hey darling, let’s spend the evening together.”

BRIDGET 
Shut up, Nick. Go back to your bottle.

Sound of knocking on door

HECTOR 
Oh, ‘Oggy, Moss, mmm. Excuse me, I am not..., 
Come in, come in. Please sit down. 
So, you are Annie's friends, huh? I am Annie's boyfriend. 
Would you like a drink? You would? You wouldn't. 
Tea? Coffee? Sugar? Oh! Aha! 
[Sound of mobile phone ringing] 
It is my phone! I know you know it is a phone, 
but it is ringing, so I must... excuse me. 
Annie, I'm so happy you rang.

ANNIE 
Hector, I'm in the ladies toilets in Trafalgar Square. 
Have Boggy and Moss arrived yet?

HECTOR 
Yes. Annie, they are a bit...

ANNIE 
Aren't they sweet?

HECTOR 
Yes, very sweet. It is just that they... 
… All right, chaps? Won't be a minute. 
It is just that they are a bit scary.

ANNIE 
Oh, Hector, don't be so silly.

HECTOR 
Oh.

ANNIE 
Tell them to come to Trafalgar Square now.

HECTOR 
Great. 
Oh! You found something to eat. Good. Ah, you like that? 
Good, good, good. Annie says you can go to Trafalgar Square. Now. 
[Sound of mobile phone ringing]
Oh! It is the phone again! Phones ring, don't they. They..., excuse me. Hello?

BRIDGET 
Hello, Hector. Did you get the nibbles?
HECTOR 
Oh, the nibbles, the nibbles. Yes, of course Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Well done, Hector. I knew I could rely on you.

HECTOR 
That was Bridget, Annie's friend.

NICK 
Now am I interesting? .. ... bad? Whoa! Hey! This is interesting!

HECTOR 
Nick, what shall I do? 
It was Boggy and Moss.

NICK 
Oh, look, don't worry. We can tidy this up. Look! See? Look.

HECTOR 
Yeah, that looks much better.

NICK 
Still, at least I brought the drinks.

HECTOR 
And I have the nibbles.

NICK 
What?

HECTOR 
The nibbles.

NICK 
Very good.

HECTOR 
Oh no! Boggy and Moss ate them!

NICK 
Ahh! Look at this! Eh? Mmm! Tastes good. Mmm!

HECTOR 
Mmm!

NICK 
See? Bridget won't even notice the mess.

BRIDGET & MARTY
[Laughing]

BRIDGET 
Oh, Marty, you're so funny! Anyway, here is my humble home.

NICK 
Mr Ross, I'm a huge fan.

BRIDGET 
What is that?

ANNIE 
It's a pig pen. We stole it from a farm lorry!
BRIDGET 
What a shame, no pig.

ANNIE 
Oh, Boggy and Moss are bringing her later.

BRIDGET 
This place...

MARTY ROSS 
This place is very...

BRIDGET 
I'm so angry!

MARTY ROSS 
Angry! I love it!

BRIDGET 
Yes. Yes, it's my angry art phase. All my own ideas, you know.

NICK 
Cocktail?

HECTOR 
Nibble?

MARTY ROSS 
And this is fantastic. Original?

BRIDGET 
Oh, very original.

MARTY ROSS 
Very Damian Pollasco. Ooh, I love art. 
They call me Arty Marty, you know.

BRIDGET 
Oh!

MARTY ROSS 
Is it... for sale?

NICK 
The man's an idiot. He wants to buy a wall. 
Much too expensive.

HECTOR 
Much too precious.

MARTY ROSS 
Name your price.

MARTY ROSS 
Can you deliver them to me tomorrow?

NICK 
Sure. No problem.

BRIDGET 
Nick, what's this cocktail called?

 

NICK 
Ah, it's an Arty Marty. It's rich, sickly and very thick.

Sound of laughter

BRIDGET 
Oh, Nick, your date is here.

NICK 
Of course she is.

Sound of pig snorting/laughter

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick goes to the dentist, 
Annie can't speak and why does an inspector call?

EXTRA, don't miss it!