ANNIE 
One for the party and one for the party hostess. 
One for the party and one for the party accountant. 
Hey, it's Builder Barbie!

BRIDGET 
Ha-ha, very funny. 
Eunice wants some building work done and guess who has to organise it?

ANNIE 
Builder Barbie?!
Hey! Not for you, for the party.

BRIDGET 
We’re having a party?!
Oh, what shall I wear?

ANNIE 
Well, it's a street party. 
We're having a party in the street to protest and stop the cars.

BRIDGET 
Hmm, hmm, nice. 
Hey, what's this?

ANNIE 
Aah!
Don't touch it. It belonged to my grandmother.

BRIDGET 
Your grandmother? It's lovely.

ANNIE 
Yes, it's very special to me.

NICK 
Well, what do you think? 
Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.

Sound of clicking fingers

ANNIE 
Oh, is that you?

BRIDGET
It can’t be!

NICK 
Women love uniform.

ANNIE 
Hey-hey! Builder Barbie and Pilot Ken!


BRIDGET 
Why are you dressed like a pilot?

NICK 
I am in a play. Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.

BRIDGET
Huh!

NICK 
For a theatre festival in Paris. 
Now, who is going to help me rehearse, huh?

BRIDGET 
Oh, sorry, gotta go.

NICK 
Annie? Oh, come on, you know you want to. Aha! Hector!

HECTOR 
Huh?

NICK 
Come fly with me!

HECTOR 
What?

Atmospheric music

HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]
Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.
[Speaking normally] … Nick, I really think …

NICK 
Yeah, don't tell me. I feel it too. 
Something's not quite right.

HECTOR 
No.

NICK 
Yeah, I..., hey, I've got it! 
Here, there..., oh, beautiful! See? Now I can fancy you.

HECTOR 
Oh no, Nick, please!!

NICK 
Did you miss me, sweet thing?

HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess] 
Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.

NICK 
When we get to Barbados..., oh, sorry. But now we have work to do. 
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain Chip Hardy speaking. 
We will now go through the safety routine. 
Exits are here, here and here. 
In the event of cabin decompression, 
place oxygen masks over your face like so, 
but please attend to your own mask before helping children. 
Life jackets can be found under your seat. 
In case of forced landing, adopt the following position.

BRIDGET 
Oh, Eunice, I've got the builders on the phone.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
About time.

BRIDGET 
Hello. You can start today?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, Jean-Pierre, how nice to hear from you.

BRIDGET 
Well we really need the job done quickly.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
We should meet tonight? Oh yes.

BRIDGET 
Ah yes, where to start.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Where? Hmm, that's a very good question.

BRIDGET 
Where would you like the building work to start?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Well, I was thinking in my flat.

BRIDGET 
In your flat?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, yes, in my flat.

BRIDGET 
Hello? 
We want you to start in Eunice's flat. Yes, that's right, Eunice's flat.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
It's 31 Evergreen Street.

BRIDGET 
It's 31 Evergreen Street. That's right. Bye.

HECTOR 
Tea, coffee?

NICK 
No, no, no! Make it musical. Feel the words. Tea or coffee?

HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess] 
Tea or coffee?

NICK 
Thanks.

HECTOR 
Hey, Nick, do women really go for you in that uniform?

NICK 
Yeah.


HECTOR 
Oh, but do they know that you are not a real pilot?

NICK 
Well, hmm.

HECTOR 
You tell them you are a real pilot.

NICK 
Maybe.

Sound of mobile phone

NICK
Oh, aha! Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking. 
Oh, hi, Tiffany! I love this uniform! Yes, that's right, sweetie. 
Currently flying at 20,000 feet heading for Barbados. 
[Hector makes engine noises in background] 
Yeah, that's right darling, above the clouds, above the clouds.

HECTOR 
[Makes engine noises/impersonates pilot]

NICK 
No, no, no. We're just...

HECTOR 
Ahhh.. .. ... ... ..

NICK 
....We're not being attacked, it’s just a bit of turbulence. 
Look, I've got to go. Bye-bye!

HECTOR
Aaah!!

Sound of footsteps/coughing/spluttering

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Nooooooo!

BRIDGET 
Oh, hi, Eunice.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Bridget, guess where this came from?

BRIDGET 
Erm..., DIY shop?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
No, from my flat.

BRIDGET 
Ah yes, have the builders started? Excellent.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Excellent? Excellent? My flat is a mess! 
You told the builders to work in my flat.

BRIDGET 
Yes, you said.


EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
But the builders were supposed to work at Channel Nine. 
Your mistake, you fix it.

BRIDGET 
But....

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
And until you do, I'm going to stay in your flat.

BRIDGET 
Nooooooooo!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Oh no. Eunice is so angry! 
I made a tiny little mistake at work.

BRIDGET
We want you to start work in Eunice’s flat. 
Yes, that’s right, Eunice’s flat.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Nooooooooo!

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
And now she's coming to stay with us.

BRIDGET 
Nooooooooo!

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
Oh, what am I going to do?

NICK [Composing email] 
Dan, forget about fast cars, forget about exercise in the gym, 
forget about cool clothes. 
You have to get a pilot's uniform. It's magic with women.

NICK
Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
BRIDGET!!

BRIDGET
I wanna ride the pony!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, I want my breakfast now.

BRIDGET 
Of course. What would you like?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I want fresh coconut milk, two rashers of crisp bacon, 
preserve of Morello cherries on French toast, and coffee. 
Italian coffee.

BRIDGET 
Fresh coconut milk, Italian coffee? I don't have....

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
So you have to go out and buy them for me. Oooh, ohhh, horrible.


Assorted background noises

HECTOR 
Oh! Captain Hardy, what are we going to do?

NICK 
It will be OK.

HECTOR 
I am too young to die! You have to save us!

NICK 
Try to be calm.

HECTOR 
But what about my family? What about my cat?

NICK 
Hold yourself together, woman.

HECTOR 
What...
Slapping noise

NICK 
Excellent! You were really good! 
That was like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

HECTOR 
You didn't have to slap me for real.

NICK 
Oh, sorry, but I... oop!

Sound of mobile phone ringing

NICK
Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking.  
[Sound of Hector in background making assorted noises]. 
What? Oh... OK, it's the director! Shh! What? What?!
 Erm, just a minute. The actress? She's ill? 
 But we must still do the play? No, we don't have much time. 
Look, don't worry. I know the perfect person to play the part. 
Oh, yes, the perfect person. Bye! 
Hector? 
Hector!

HECTOR 
Huh?

NICK 
I have an extra ticket for Paris. Do you want to come with me?

HECTOR 
Paris?

NICK 
Oui, oui.

HECTOR 
Excellent!

NICK & HECTOR
Ho-ho-ho-ho!


EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
You call this a breakfast? Euurgggh! 
That's what I think of this! Ooh! Eurrh! And this! 
Aahh! And this! Poofff! And I have a little washing for you. 
[Sound of clicking fingers] In the bedroom. 
Now, what shall I eat? Hmm!

BRIDGET 
You call this a little washing?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, be quiet and do it.

ANNIE 
Hi! I got some polish for Granny's chest.

BRIDGET 
Nice.

ANNIE 
Oh, I love it so much. It really reminds me of her. 
Hey! You're eating my party food!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Yes. But it's not very good. 
Here, Charley boy.

BRIDGET 
Annie, Annie, please. I don't want to lose my job. 
It's only for a few days.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Now which of you lucky girls is going to cut my toenails?

BRIDGET 
Grrrr! I'm going to kill that woman!

ANNIE 
No, no, let me.

NICK 
Are you having fun with Eunice?

ANNIE & BRIDGET
Hmm.

HECTOR 
Why don't you stay here while we are away?

NICK 
Yeah.

ANNIE & BRIDGET
Erm, no, thank you.

ANNIE 
Good luck in Paris!

Sound of atmospheric accordion music

HECTOR 
Oh, Paris, c'est magnifique!

NICK 
Hector, where were you? 
Our play starts soon.

HECTOR 
Oh, OK, good luck.

NICK 
Hector, there's something I've got to tell you.

HECTOR 
Oh, your play starts very soon. 
Where is the actress who plays the stewardess?

NICK 
Huh! Well, actually she's right here.

HECTOR 
Eh? Good joke!

NICK 
The actress? She's ill.

HECTOR 
Huh?

NICK 
You are going to play the stewardess. Look, there's your costume.

HECTOR 
You are not serious. You are serious?

NICK 
Listen, Sylvia, I am gonna fly this plane. 
I will need all my crew. You are a professional. 
I am your captain. Will you fly with me?

HECTOR 
No. No. No, no, no. I am not doing it, hmm!

NICK 
Sylvia! I'm proud of you.

HECTOR 
Oh, shut up.

ANNIE 
What's that?

BRIDGET 
Come and have something to eat.

ANNIE 
Well, the shape looks familiar.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
You've guessed. It is that chest. 
I did some work on it for you.

ANNIE 
Oh!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
It looked so boring. I gave it a whole new look. Da-daa!


Background atmospheric music

ANNIE 
My grandmother's chest! Ohhh.....

BRIDGET 
Annie. Annie, please...

ANNIE 
Arrrghhhh!!

ANNIE [Composing email] 
Oh, that woman! 
I can't take much more of her! 
And I don't know if I can control myself.

BRIDGET
Annie, Annie, please …

ANNIE 
Arrrghhhh!!

NICK [Composing email] 
Paris was great, but there was one problem, Sophie, my actress, was ill.

HECTOR 
Where is the actress who plays the stewardess?

NICK 
Huh! Well, she's ill.

HECTOR 
Huh?

NICK [Composing email] 
And I had to persuade Hector to play her part instead.

NICK
You are going to play the stewardess.

HECTOR 
Oh, shut up.

NICK 
Oooh, that was close! 
We nearly missed the plane.

HECTOR 
Look at the reviews. "Irresistible."

NICK 
"Dazzling."

HECTOR 
“And that was just her legs”!

NICK 
"The hostess was beautiful - in a masculine way."

NICK & HECTOR
Aaarrrghhh! Aaarrrghhh!


HECTOR 
What's going on?

P.A. ADDRESS
Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some turbulence. 
There's nothing to worry about, except that the pilot and co-pilot are both ill. 
Erm, does anybody know how to fly a plane?

NICK & HECTOR
Aaarrrghhh!

NICK 
Hector!

HECTOR 
Huh?

NICK 
Don't worry. I will fly this plane.

HECTOR 
Nick, you cannot fly this plane!

NICK 
I am Captain Chip Hardy. I can do anything!

HECTOR 
You are just an actor. Captain Chip Hardy is your character.

NICK 
But I have the heart of a pilot.

HECTOR 
Tea? Coffee?

Sound of mobile phone ringing

BRIDGET 
Oh, wait a minute. 
Hello? Oh, really? Oh, excellent! Goodbye.

ANNIE 
Who was that?

BRIDGET 
The builders. Eunice's flat is finished!

ANNIE 
Really?

BRIDGET 
Her flat is ready!

ANNIE 
Wooooohhh! Our flat is ours again! Hoo-hooo-hooo!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Hello, girls. Have you had a nice time?

BRIDGET 
What happened here?


EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, just a little party! It was really fun!

BRIDGET 
OK, Eunice. We've spoken to the builders. 
Your flat's ready. You can go home now.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, I like it here. I think I'm going to stay. 
Oh Bridget! Where's my coffee! And Annie, bring my new wig.

ANNIE & BRIDGET
Nooooooooooo!

BRIDGET 
What do you mean?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
What do I mean? I am going to stay.

HECTOR 
Aha! We are back! Paris was great and...

ANNIE 
Oh, pilot Ken and stewardess Barbie!

HECTOR 
But he really is a pilot! He flew the plane!

NICK 
Well, for a moment, until the co-pilot punched me!

HECTOR 
What happened here? A hurricane?

ANNIE 
Yes, something like that.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Well, Nick, what's this? A new job?

NICK 
Yeah, sort of.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
So Mr Pilot, shall we have some fun?

NICK 
Yeah, OK!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Will you take my flying?

NICK 
Ha-ha! OK!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Shall we stay here or go to my place?

NICK 
Let's go to your place. This place is a mess! 
Really, girls, you should tidy up a bit.

HECTOR 
It is the uniform.

BRIDGET 
Oh, at last, she's gone!

ANNIE
Oh, I’m exhausted!

HECTOR 
Well, if you are tired, can I offer you some tea or coffee?

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Bridget is interested in modern art, 
Annie is fighting to free farm animals and who else is coming to dinner?

EXTRA, don't miss it!