ACTOR ON TV
Oh darling, no. I'll die without you.

NICK 
He's Robert. He ran away with Jenny.

HECTOR
Oh no!

NICK
That’s why she can’t marry Lionel.

HECTOR 
Oh, that is so sad.

NICK 
I know.

HECTOR 
But doesn't Jenny know that Lionel is her brother?

NICK 
She had a car accident. She can't remember.

HECTOR 
That is terrible! Ooh!

NICK 
Quick, quick, quick, quick! Go on! 
Kick it! Kick it!

BRIDGET 
Football!
Hi boys.

NICK 
Oh, hi, Bridget.

HECTOR 
Hi, Bridget.

NICK
Oof!

BRIDGET 
I need your help.

NICK 
Sure. 
What is it?

BRIDGET 
I'm going to buy a new computer for work.
NICK 
Oh! I know everything about computers.

BRIDGET 
Great! I need one with a lot of gigabytes...

NICK 
Uh-huh.

BRIDGET 
...good RAM memory...

NICK 
Hmm.

BRIDGET 
...all the software compatibility and the top processor.

NICK 
Hmm! 
Maybe this one?

HECTOR 
No, this one hasn't got what she wants.

NICK 
Oh, and you understand what she wants?

HECTOR 
Yeah. 
You don't?

NICK 
Of course I do.

HECTOR 
Well, so do I.

BRIDGET 
So? Have you decided which one?

NICK 
Who's going to pay for it?

BRIDGET 
It's for work, so they'll pay for it.

NICK 
Oh, [erm,], this one then.

HECTOR 
This one is the most expensive!

NICK 
It's a nice colour.

HECTOR 
Well, it has everything you want.

BRIDGET 
Do you think more SDI sockets, or the analogue input?


NICK 
Eh-hum.

BRIDGET 
Oh, forget it. I'll order it now.

ANNIE 
[Sound of gasping]
Oh, come on, come on!

BRIDGET 
What are you doing out here?

ANNIE 
Waiting for my examination results.

BRIDGET 
Oh, your results are arriving today?

ANNIE 
What have you done to Teddy?

BRIDGET 
Hmm? Oh. 
Brad Pitt is much more handsome than Teddy.

Sound of letters being posted through letterbox

ANNIE 
Oh, where is it? Ah, bill, bill, nothing, nothing, bill... 
Aha! 
Oh, it’s not my examination results.

BRIDGET
It’s from the landlady.

ANNIE
It says we are too noisy.

BRIDGET 
Noisy? She's written to the wrong apartment. 
My new computer's here! Well, Nick? Open it.

Sound of screaming

BRIDGET
We’re never noisy!

Sound of paper being torn up

BRIDGET
My new computer’s here! Well, Nick! [Sound of clicking fingers] Open it!

NICK
Why me?

BRIDGET 
Nails.

NICK 
Whoa!

HECTOR & BRIDGET
Wow!

NICK 
Oh!

BRIDGET 
Anything else?

HECTOR 
Well, it's a very big box. Aha! Aha!

BRIDGET 
What's that?

HECTOR 
Hmm, I think it's the instructions.

BRIDGET 
Great. Have fun.

NICK 
Wait! Where are you going?

BRIDGET 
Shopping. You better have finished when I get back.

NICK 
Better have finished what?

BRIDGET 
Installing the computer. 
You do know everything about computers, don't you?

NICK 
Hah! No problem.

HECTOR 
Oh! The instructions are all in English.

NICK 
Ah-ah-ah - look. Oh, Hector, here's a Spanish version. Oh yes....

HECTOR 
Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

NICK 
Right, let's do it. Or don't you know how to do it?!

HECTOR 
I could do it with my eyes closed!

NICK 
Hah! 
Well, instructions are for girls!

Sound of discordant music

NICK
Oh yeah!
I  am the man!!

HECTOR 
Yeah, but I did all the work.

NICK 
You? 
Huh! I did it.

HECTOR 
Huh! I am the computer king.

NICK 
Oh yeah?

HECTOR 
Yeah.

NICK 
You think you can beat me?

HECTOR 
Huh! I already did.

NICK 
Computers are easy. How about a real challenge?

HECTOR 
Whatever challenge you like.

NICK 
Right. Hah! 
Man Olympics. 
Challenge One: Who can put the most marshmallows in his mouth?!

HECTOR 
Marsh...?

NICK 
...mallows. Look, one. Hmm!

HECTOR & NICK 
One, two, three, ... four ... ... ... ....

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
Hi, Chrissy! Soon I'll be emailing you on my new computer.

BRIDGET
I’m going to buy a new computer for work.

NICK 
Oh!

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
The boys are helping me and they seem to know everything about computers.

HECTOR 
No, this one hasn't got what she wants.

NICK 
Oh, and you understand what she wants?

ANNIE [Composing email] 
Nadia, I don't know whether I've passed or failed!

ANNIE
Come on, come on!

ANNIE [Composing email]
If I don’t know my examination results soon, I will go crazy!

ANNIE
Oh where is it?!!

NICK 
How about a real challenge?

NICK [Composing email]
Ten! Ten marshmallows I stuffed in my mouth – two more than Hector.

HECTOR 
One.

NICK [Composing email] 
He's not the man. I am. By the way, do you know anything about computers?

NICK
Well, instructions are for girls!

ANNIE
[Puffing and blowing noises/sound of paper being rustled]

BRIDGET 
What's that? Love letters?

ANNIE 
No, I've got all the letters delivered to this building.

BRIDGET 
You've got the neighbours' letters?

ANNIE 
Uh-huh. I'm sure my examination results are here.

BRIDGET 
Where are the boys?
Ohhhh, they've installed my computer!

ANNIE 
I think so. 

Sound of toilet flushing

BRIDGET
Is that normal?

ANNIE
Bridget!!

BRIDGET 
Nick? Hector? What are you doing?

NICK 
Man Olympics. Challenge Two.

BRIDGET 
What kind of a challenge?

NICK 
Who can go the longest without, you know.... [sound of whistling]

BRIDGET 
Falling down? Sneezing? Jumping?

HECTOR 
No, no. Without going..., without doing...,

BRIDGET 
Ohh! You want to spend a penny?

HECTOR 
Spend a penny? I don't want to go shopping!

NICK 
No, no, no. She means... [sound of whistling]

BRIDGET 
Stop thinking about your challenge and follow me.

ANNIE 
Maybe I've passed! [Sound of musical fanfare] 
Maybe I've failed. [Sound of low key music/burping noise]

Sound of door opening/closing

BRIDGET 
You're not going anywhere until it works.

NICK 
Ooh! Oh, no!

HECTOR 
Here, let me try.

NICK 
Oh, you think you can do better.

HECTOR 
I know I can do better.

NICK
Huh!!

HECTOR
I know a way from my country.

NICK 
Really?

HECTOR 
Really. My father taught me.

Banging sound

NICK 
Hmm. Yes, we have that way in England too.

Banging sound
ANNIE 
Oh, hi guys.

NICK 
Hi. 
Damn! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ah! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo! Hooo!

 

Assorted banging/buzzing/screeching noises

BRIDGET 
Oh no! What happened?

NICK 
It was like that before.

BRIDGET 
It was not like that before.

NICK 
Sorry.

BRIDGET 
What are you doing?

HECTOR 
Man Olympics. Challenge Three.

Dialling sound/mobile phone

BRIDGET 
Hi, I need a man. No, you idiot! I need a man to fix the computer I bought. 
Tomorrow? Good. And I'd like him to be tall, dark, handsome. 
Great, thanks. Bye. At last, a real man.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
Chrissy! I had to call a man to repair my new computer!

BRIDGET
Hi, I need a man.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
It’s crazy! What happened to it?

NICK 
It was like that before.

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
I think Nick and Hector know.

BRIDGET
It was not like that before!

NICK 
Sorry. Grrr! Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics.

BRIDGET 
Grrr!

NICK [Composing email]
Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics. Huh!

NICK
New challenge: to get as many girls to call us as possible.
Luckily my sister Mel has got loads of friends, so Hector does not stand a chance!


Sound of  phone ringing

BRIDGET
Oh, it's Nick's phone.

RECORDED MESSAGE
You have 23 new messages. Message 1: Hi bro, I've got all my friends to call you. 
Oh, I hear you and Bridget are history. That's great news. 
I didn't like her anyway. Message 2: Hi, Nick. Izzie here. 
Melanie asked me to give you a call. I hear you and Bridget are history.

Sound of phone ringing

BRIDGET 
Hello, what? 
Nicky Wick-wick is not here. Oh, is that Emma? Nick's told me all about you. 
Yeah. You and your moustache.

Sound of phone and mobile ringing simultaneously

BRIDGET
Arrggh!Nick!

Sound of knocking on door

ANNIE 
Mr Postman?

HECTOR 
Man Olympics, Challenge Five.

NICK 
Yeah. Ooh, errgghh, tug-of-war to see who is the strongest..., 
aahh, errghhh, oohhh.

NICK & HECTOR
Aaah!! … Ooohh!!

BRIDGET 
They had a tug-of-war here?

ANNIE 
Yes. They are so stupid!

BRIDGET 
Who won?

ANNIE 
I won.

BRIDGET 
What's wrong?

ANNIE 
I want my examination results. Oh, where's the post?

BRIDGET 
Calm down.

Sound of knocking on door

ANNIE 
The postman!


BRIDGET 
The computer man! Well, hello there. Come in!

POSTMAN
But...

BRIDGET 
I know what you're going to say.

POSTMAN
But....

BRIDGET 
It was like that when I bought it. So what do you think?

POSTMAN
It looks broken.

BRIDGET 
Well, can you repair it?

POSTMAN 
No.

BRIDGET 
You can't repair it?

POSTMAN 
No.

BRIDGET 
You don't know how to?

POSTMAN 
No.

BRIDGET 
Well, how can you be a repairman then?

POSTMAN 
I'm not.

BRIDGET 
You're not a repairman?

POSTMAN 
No.

BRIDGET 
Well, what are you then?

POSTMAN 
I deliver special letters.

ANNIE 
My letter! Oh!

POSTMAN 
Annie Taylor?

ANNIE 
Yes!

POSTMAN 
This is for you.

ANNIE 
Ohhhh! Yes! Ohh!

Sound of door being opened

NICK 
Man Olympics, new challenge. First one to get - ti-ti-ti-ti - Annie's letter!

Barn dance style atmospheric music

ANNIE 
It's mine! Oooh, I can't look! You read it.

HECTOR 
Pass!

Sound of knocking on door

COMPUTER REPAIRMAN [= PETER]
Computer problem, miss? I can fix anything.

BRIDGET 
My hero! Oh, thank goodness you're here.

HECTOR, NICK, ANNIE & BRIDGET
Aaah!

HECTOR 
Oh, how did he do that?

ANNIE 
Peter?

PETER
Annie?

ANNIE 
It is you!

PETER
Yes!

ANNIE 
Oh, he's Peter, an old friend. Oh, it was so clever of you to fix the computer.

BRIDGET 
Good-looking and intelligent. A rare combina....tion.

NICK 
Right! That's it! 
Man Olympics!

HECTOR 
New challenge.

PETER 
What challenge?

NICK
Let’s see who the real men are. Hector and me, or you two.

POSTMAN
OK …

PETER
… What's the challenge?
ANNIE 
Let us decide.

BRIDGET 
Yes, we'll decide.

Sound of drumming

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie gets a new job, so does Hector, 
and why does Nick become a beauty queen?

EXTRA, don't miss it.