HECTOR
Ohh, ohhh!

ANNIE 
Hector, stop being such a baby.

HECTOR 
But it hurts!

ANNIE 
I haven't touched you yet.

HECTOR 
Ohhh.

ANNIE 
Now stay still. 
You will just feel a little needle prick.

HECTOR 
Oh, go on then. 
Hurt me, do it!

ANNIE 
Hector!

HECTOR 
Ohhhhh.

ANNIE 
Hector!

HECTOR 
Ohhhhh!

ANNIE 
I've done it.

HECTOR 
Huh?

ANNIE 
I've removed the splinter.

HECTOR 
Huh? Oh, er, yes, I knew that. I was joking.

ANNIE 
What is it, are you scared of needles?

 

HECTOR 
Who, me? Don't be silly. But it was a very painful splinter.

ANNIE 
OK, so if you're not scared of needles, would you have a tattoo?

HECTOR 
A tattoo?! 
Yes, yes, I would.

ANNIE 
Go on then, tough guy.

HECTOR 
OK, I'll have one if you have one.

ANNIE 
OK. OK, it's a deal. 
Oh, by the way, Hector...

HECTOR 
Hmm?

ANNIE 
I had this done this morning. 
But then, a deal is a deal, isn't it?

Sound of door slamming

NICK 
I - want a word with you.

ANNIE 
Tough guy, eh?

HECTOR 
Yeah. What do you want?

NICK 
I - don't. I don't. I... keep forgetting this bit: 
I - don't - like - your - face.

ANNIE 
OK, so is this for television or theatre?

NICK 
Nope. 
This is real. This is me.

ANNIE 
And you are...?

NICK 
Can't you guess? 
Guys, you are looking at Muscles.

HECTOR 
Where?

NICK 
No, no, no. It's my new name. I am the new man on the door at Ice.

 

ANNIE 
What, you're a bouncer?

HECTOR 
What is a bouncer?

ANNIE 
It's someone who throws people out of night-clubs.

NICK 
Uh-uh-uh. I am an entry executive.

ANNIE 
So you throw people out of the club.

NICK 
Yeah.

ANNIE 
Yeah.
Nick, my granny could beat you up.

NICK 
Ah! 
But if your granny came to Ice and caused trouble, I would have to ask her to leave. 
Besides, I'd have Knuckles, Cruncher and Muncher to back me up.

HECTOR 
Who?

NICK 
The other bouncers.

HECTOR 
Yeah, right.

Sound of door slamming

NICK 
Hi, sweetie.

BRIDGET 
Has someone died?

NICK 
No, not yet.

BRIDGET 
Why are you dressed in black then?

NICK 
Because, baby, you are looking at the new man on the door at Ice.

BRIDGET 
You are on the door at Ice?

NICK 
Uh-huh.

BRIDGET 
But that's.., but that's wonderful news! What shall I wear? 
I'll call the girls to find out what they're wearing.
NICK 
The thing is, Bridget, if your name's not on the guest list, then you can't come in.

BRIDGET 
Nick, if my name's not on the guest list, then you can't come home.

Sound of mobile phone ringing

NICK 
Hello? Oh! Hi! 
Yup, that's right. I start on Friday. OK, baby! No probs. 
Leave it with me. Ciao! [Sound of sniggering/Nick clears throat] 
My mum. She wants me to do some gardening for her.

NICK [Composing email]
Dan, guess what?! I've got a new job! 
I'm a bouncer at Ice! 
Oh, this club is very trendy, very exclusive!

NICK
I am the new man on the door at Ice!

NICK [Composing email]
Hey! When the girls see me on the door they won’t want to go in!

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
Nick has got a job as a bouncer at Ice.

NICK 
I - don't - like - your - face.

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
If he doesn't get me on the guest list, he is in big trouble!

NICK 
If your name's not on the guest list, then you can't come in.

Sound of puffing and panting

ANNIE 
Hector, I just won... What are you doing?

HECTOR 
Oh, just looking for a number.

ANNIE 
Oh, I see. 
Well, I just wondered if you wanted to share my chocolate with me before Bridget sees it.

HECTOR 
Oh yeah! Great! Thanks. 
Annie?

ANNIE 
Huh?

HECTOR 
Did I tell you about the time three people tried to fight me?

ANNIE 
All at once?

 

HECTOR 
Yup.

ANNIE 
Really?

HECTOR 
Uh-huh.

ANNIE 
Oh, well, go on.

HECTOR 
Well, three of them, they came at me...

ANNIE 
Oh, you poor thing! And what did they want?

HECTOR 
My sweets.

ANNIE 
Oh. And how old were you?

HECTOR 
Six.

ANNIE 
And they were...?

HECTOR 
Five, three and two.

ANNIE 
Hector! Two years old! They were babies!

HECTOR 
Yeah, but the Sanchez sisters were really tough!

ANNIE 
Oh, Hector, you are sweet.

HECTOR 
Annie.

ANNIE 
Hmm?

HECTOR 
Do you think I should be more macho?

ANNIE 
Oh, Hector. You don't have to be a tough guy for me. 
I love you just the way you are.

HECTOR 
Oh, Annie.

ANNIE 
Come on, let's eat this chocolate before Bridget finds it.

 

HECTOR 
Oh, please, let me.

ANNIE 
Oh. Oh! Ooh, you're so strong! Oh!

HECTOR 
Ow!

ANNIE 
What is it?

HECTOR 
You are standing on my foot.

ANNIE 
Wimp.

Sound of door shutting
HECTOR 
Ah, hi, Nick.

NICK 
Oh, hi. Hey, listen to this. 
"Bouncer of the month is Alex Smith who last year stopped 955 people from going into his club."

HECTOR 
What is the name of the club?

NICK 
Er, it doesn't say. 
It shut down last week. 
Not enough people were going there.

HECTOR 
Nick.

NICK 
Huh?

HECTOR 
What is a wimp?

NICK 
Huh! Well, it's not... Ha-ah-ah …

HECTOR 
Annie just called me a wimp.

NICK 
Yeah.

HECTOR 
I want to be a tough guy, like you.

NICK 
Huh?

HECTOR 
Can you teach me? Please?

 

NICK 
Of course. I was born like this, but I can try to help you, Hector, I can try.

HECTOR 
Great. Why don't you show me how to be a bouncer.

NICK 
At - it - tude.

HECTOR 
At - it - tude?

NICK 
Yeah, like this. "Are you looking at me?"

HECTOR 
"Are you looking at me?"

NICK 
"Are you looking at me?"

HECTOR 
"Are you looking at me?"

NICK 
Hey, great!

HECTOR 
So who am I looking at when I say that?

NICK 
Anyone who is looking for trouble.

HECTOR 
Aha! 
And how do I know they are looking for trouble?

NICK 
You just know. 
Look.

HECTOR 
What is this?

NICK 
Bridget's old toys!

HECTOR 
What are they doing under your bed then?

NICK 
I was looking after them for her. 
Anyway, look, here, this is the club. "You - cannot - come in." 
"Let me in!" "Are you looking at me or chewing a brick, eh? 
'Cause either way, you'll lose your teeth."

HECTOR 
Huh?

NICK 
You know - brick, teeth, chew - cha-cha-cha-cha!

HECTOR 
Ah, very good!

NICK 
"You are a very scary guy. Hmm!"

HECTOR 
Yeah. "Look! It's handsome Nick! Ohhh! Ohhh! Look at his muscles. Hmmm!"

NICK 
"Hellooooo! You are looking lovely tonight."

NICK & HECTOR
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! .... ... .. . .... . ..

HECTOR 
"Leave my boyfriend alone!"

NICK 
"It's OK, Bridget. I'm just doing my job." ... ... ... ...

NICK 
If your name's not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. 
If your name's not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. 
Huh! Hmm! Please could I have your name, sir?

MAN OUTSIDE CLUB
What do you want that for?

NICK
Because if your name’s not on the … guest list, you cannot come in.

MAN OUTSIDE CLUB
And what are you going to do about it, pip-squeak?

NICK
I …, I …

MAN OUTSIDE CLUB
… … Shall be a good boy! Aah-aah!

BRIDGET 
Didn't you hear what the man said? He said, "Go. Disappear. 
Vanish. Evaporate - now!"

MAN OUTSIDE CLUB
OK, I’m going!

NICK 
Sorry you had to see that, Bridget. 
Course I had the situation completely under control.

BRIDGET 
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NICK 
So, Bridget, why are you here?

 

BRIDGET 
Hmm, what? Oh, I've brought you some sandwiches.


NICK 
Oh, Bridget, how nice of you. Huh! Where are they?

BRIDGET 
Where are what?

NICK 
The sandwiches.

BRIDGET 
Oh, I must have left them behind. Never mind! 
So, who's here tonight?

NICK 
I'm afraid I can't tell you. It's confidential. Ha-ha-hum.
OK, well, there's the usual crowd - Heidi, Kate, Naomi - oops! 
Sorry, Bridget! I have work to do. Good evening, ladies! 
Could I have your names, please? Thank you. Just one more thing. 
Bridget? Arms up, please, ladies. Hmm, you see, hmm, very nice. 
Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies. Have a great evening. 
All part of the job.

BRIDGET 
OK, Nick. So when is it my turn? I want to go in!

NICK 
Oh, Bridget, Bridget, Bridget. I promise. As soon as I can arrange it, I will, hmm? 
Look, there's a big Latino night next week. J-Lo will be coming. Leave it to me.

BRIDGET 
Oh, thank you, Nick!

NICK 
Oh-oh … [clears throat] Stand back. I need to take control.

Sound of slow handclap

BRIDGET 
Good! Everything is under control.

ANNIE [Composing email] 
I do love Hector, but I think he's a bit of a wimp.

ANNIE
Wimp!

ANNIE [Composing email]
At least Nick has a tough-guy job at Ice!

NICK [Composing email] 
I've started my new job at Ice.

NICK
Good evening ladies!

NICK [Composing email]
There was one guy who was looking for trouble, but it was OK.
I had everything under control!

NICK
I have the situation completely under control.


BRIDGET 
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

NICK [Composing email] 
Bridget was very impressed, especially as J-Lo is coming next week.

NICK
J-Lo will be coming!

BRIDGET
[Whispering reverentially]
J-Lo!

HECTOR 
Annie?

ANNIE 
Hmm?

HECTOR 
About the tattoo.

ANNIE 
Hmm.

HECTOR 
Er-hmm. Look.

ANNIE 
Oh! You did it! Ohh, and Hector, what a wonderful tattoo! 
Oh, I don't know what to say! Oh!

HECTOR 
Oh, it was nothing. 
And I mean it, Hector and Annie forever.

ANNIE 
Oh, and look! Charley likes the tattoo as well. 
Oh, Charley! 
Oh, Hector!

HECTOR 
Oh!

BRIDGET 
Oh, pl-ease. I've just eaten!

ANNIE 
Bridget, look. Hector has had a tattoo done just for me! 
Oh, isn't it romantic?

BRIDGET 
Hec-ne-ver. Hec-ne-ver? It doesn't sound very romantic. What does it mean?

ANNIE 
What happened? It's coming off! Oh. Charley has licked it off. 
It's a fake. 
Hector, you wimp!

Sound of mobile phone ringing

HECTOR 
Hi, Nick.

NICK 
What's the joke?

HECTOR 
I am.

NICK 
Oh. 
Listen, J-Lo is coming to Ice tonight, so we need extra bouncers, 
so you will be working with me on the door!

HECTOR 
But...

NICK 
And tell Bridget and Annie they are on the guest list. OK, tough guy?

HECTOR 
OK.

Sound of Annie and Bridget laughing in background

Sound of Hector and Nick making assorted macho type noises

NICK 
Hey! Yeah. 
Good evening, ladies! You are looking lovely tonight.

ANNIE 
Oh, Hector, you look so handsome. I'm sorry I laughed at your tattoo.

HECTOR 
Annie, Annie, Annie, I am on duty.

BRIDGET 
Is J-Lo here yet?

NICK 
She's here.

BRIDGET 
Oh, goodie! 
I love mixing with the stars.

NICK 
Hi.

MAN
She's cute. Hi, gorgeous.

HECTOR 
What did he say?

NICK 
Nothing.

HECTOR 
Was he...? [Makes whistling noise]

NICK 
Erm....

HECTOR
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

MAN
What are you looking at?

HECTOR 
I am looking at you looking at her.

MAN
I can look at her.

HECTOR 
Not when I am looking at her looking at you.

NICK 
I think you mean: Not when I'm looking at you looking at her.

HECTOR 
That is what I said!

MAN
You know what? I tell you I'm gonna buy her a drink, OK?

HECTOR 
What did he say?

NICK 
I think he said he's gonna buy her a drink. 
Oh, Hector, no.

HECTOR 
Right, that is it! I am going in!

NICK 
No, Hector, don't. Please...

HECTOR 
Oy, you! Leave my girl alone! 
Nick! Nick! 
His mate is chatting up Bridget.

NICK 
Right, that's it! I'm going in! 
Oy, you! Leave my girl alone!

Sound of crashing/shouting

CLUB MANAGER [off screen] 
Muscles, you're fired! And so is your friend!

NICK 
That was great!

BRIDGET 
I didn't even see J-Lo.

ANNIE 
See, Hector? I knew you weren't a wimp.

 

COMMENTARY: [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Annie is revising for her exams, 
Bridget has a make-over and guess who is coming to stay? EXTRA, don't miss it!