NICK 
Oh, Bridget, this is wonderful.

BRIDGET 
I'm so glad you like it, Nick.

NICK 
I just can't get enough of it. More, more, more!

BRIDGET 
Nick, honey, there's plenty more where that came from. Nick?

NICK 
Yes, Bridget darling?

BRIDGET
How long have we been together now?

NICK 
Erm...

BRIDGET 
We've been together two days, Nick.

NICK 
Wow! That long? Hmm!

BRIDGET 
Yes, it is a long time, Nick. But if we are to continue our relationship, 
you must..., will you..., will you treat me like a lady?

NICK 
Bridget darling, just call me Gentleman Nick.

BRIDGET 
Nick! Nick! You must..., there must be more...

NICK 
Snogging!

BRIDGET 
There must be more respect.

NICK
[Makes belching noise]

BRIDGET 
Oh, Nick. Let's see what sort of gentleman you are. 
Here's a little test. Follow me. Well?

NICK 
Well, what?

 

BRIDGET 
I want to go out.

NICK 
Oh.

BRIDGET 
So..., what do you do?

NICK 
Kiss you goodbye!

BRIDGET 
No. You open the door for me.

NICK 
Huh? Ah! Because I am the strongest - drrrrrhhhh! Ooh-arrr! Ooharrr! Tarzan!!!

ANNIE 
Oh, come on, Ziggy, we'll be late.

HECTOR 
Is just you and Ziggy doing this protest?

ANNIE 
Yes, but when other people see how important it is, they'll join us. We must stop!

Sound of Hector’s mobile phone ringing

HECTOR 
Oh, excuse me, Annie. Hola Papa ….. ….. …. ….

ANNIE 
Problems?

HECTOR 
What? 
Oh, no, no, no. No problems at all.

ANNIE 
Oh, look! There's Ziggy. Must dash.

HECTOR 
Have fun!

ANNIE 
This is not fun. 
This is serious.

HECTOR 
This is serious too!

BRIDGET 
Now, clothes.

NICK 
What?

BRIDGET 
I want you more like David Beckham.

NICK 
Ah, like this!
BRIDGET 
Now where is it? Aha! Here it is. Now come here.

NICK 
Really, Bridget, I don't think...

BRIDGET 
Oh, don't be silly, Nick. There! That's better. Now, we must go deeper. 
There is a bigger problem. You have a lot of anger in there.

NICK 
Well, yes, I am wearing this stupid hair-band.

BRIDGET 
So we must work on your inner calm. I want to see your chest.

NICK 
Ha-ha-humm!! OK!

BRIDGET 
Lie down. Close your eyes. And relax.

NICK 
Ahhh!

BRIDGET 
Now this may tickle a bit. Ready? Here goes!

NICK 
Yahhhh!

BRIDGET 
Just feel that anger go!
Acupuncture never fails. 
Oh, hi, Mrs Romero.

MRS ROMERO 
Hello, Bridget. Where is Hector?

NICK 
Hello, Mrs Romero.

BRIDGET 
Do you remember Nick, Mrs Romero?

NICK 
Time to party!!

MRS ROMERO 
Nicky! I can't forget him.

HECTOR 
Oh! Hola, Mama! Sorry I'm late. Coffee?

MRS ROMERO 
Oh, yes please.

BRIDGET 
Excuse us, Mrs Romero. Come on, Nick, I'm taking you shopping.

NICK 
Uh-uh.

BRIDGET 
Oh? So you want some more acupuncture?

NICK 
OK, OK, I'm coming, I'm coming.

BRIDGET 
And don't forget your money.

NICK 
Pfwoarrr!

BRIDGET 
Oh, you are learning quickly.

NICK 
Pfwoarrr!

MRS ROMERO 
…………………………………

HECTOR 
Oh, gracias, Mama.

MRS ROMERO 
…………………………………

HECTOR 
………………………………..

NICK [Composing email]
Hey, Dan! 
Guess who I'm going out with? Bridget! 
At last she realises that I am the one for her! 
The only problem is, she doesn't like my manners or my hair or my clothes.

BRIDGET 
I want you more like David Beckham.

NICK 
Ah, like this?

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
Chrissy, I've been going out with Nick for two days now and he is perfect for me.

NICK 
Wow! That long? Hmm!

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
Well, when I've changed him a bit, he will be perfect.

BRIDGET
Oh! You are learning quickly!

NICK 
Pfwoarrr!

MRS ROMERO 
……………………………………..

HECTOR 
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Mother, when in London, we speak English.

MRS ROMERO 
Yes, we must. 
English is the language of high class, so I must teach it...

HECTOR 
… Learn.

MRS ROMERO
…

HECTOR 
You must learn it, not teach it.

MRS ROMERO 
Oh, yes. So your father has found you a wife.

HECTOR 
He told me. 
He must stop shopping on E-Bay. Look, Mum, 
I don't want a wife. I've got Annie.

MRS ROMERO 
This girl is from a good family.

HECTOR 
So is Annie.

MRS ROMERO 
This girl is rich.

HECTOR 
I don't care about money.

MRS ROMERO 
But she's almost royalty.

HECTOR 
Mum, Annie is my princess.

MRS ROMERO 
But she's so...

HECTOR 
She's so clever, so kind, so happy! 
Annie?

MRS ROMERO
Very happy!

HECTOR
What happened?

ANNIE 
Ziggy and I were in a field lying down.

MRS ROMERO 
Sunbathing?

ANNIE 
Protesting.

HECTOR 
And...?

ANNIE 
It began to rain.

HECTOR 
Oh, poor Annie.

MRS ROMERO 
Don't touch her!

HECTOR 
Now listen, Mum, I told you I love Annie.

MRS ROMERO 
Be careful, your pullover.

ANNIE 
Hector, your mother's right. Don't touch me!

MRS ROMERO 
Oh ………………………….

HECTOR 
Why did you do that?

MRS ROMERO 
Because I love you, darling.

HECTOR 
If you knew Annie, you would love her.

MRS ROMERO 
Well, I'm going home tomorrow.

HECTOR 
Look, Mum, come to dinner tonight and you will meet the real Annie. 
And if you don't like her, then..., 
then I might marry the princess Dad has found.

Sound of knocking on door

HECTOR
Annie? Annie.

ANNIE 
Yes, Hector?

HECTOR 
Can we talk?

ANNIE 
If that's OK with your mother.

HECTOR 
Oh, Annie, she's gone to her hotel now.

ANNIE 
Huh!

HECTOR 
Look, she's going home tomorrow and 
I thought we would invite her to dinner tonight.

ANNIE 
Well, I'm going out.

HECTOR 
Annie, please don't be silly. 
Stay and be nice to her. She is OK really.

ANNIE 
Well, OK then. 
But you must do one thing for me.

HECTOR 
Sure. What?

ANNIE 
Scrub my back.

HECTOR 
Oh, but I am still dressed.

ANNIE 
So am I. Well, I can't put these in the washing machine. 
They're filthy.

ANNIE
Umm, apricot?

HECTOR 
No. 
Annie, will you behave?

ANNIE 
When?

HECTOR 
When my mother comes to dinner.

ANNIE 
Hmm, probably. 
Strawberry.

HECTOR 
Annie, I have an idea. 
Nick is pretending to be someone different.

BRIDGET 
Nick isn't pretending. 
This is the new Nick. Isn't it, Nick.

HECTOR 
You can pretend as well. You can pretend to be what my mother wants.

ANNIE 
What, Princess Caroline of Monaco?

HECTOR 
Look, Nick is pretending to be what Bridget wants.

NICK 
Yeah. A slave.

BRIDGET 
How can I help? 
As you can see, I'm a talented stylist. 
Could I have some more cola, please, sweetie?

HECTOR 
My mother is coming to dinner tonight.

BRIDGET 
Oh! So what's on the menu?

ANNIE 
I am!

NICK 
What sort of food does your mother like?

ANNIE 
Babies on toast?

HECTOR 
I don't know. 
A traditional English dish.

ANNIE 
I am not going to pretend to eat meat.

NICK 
How about roast Annie? Ha-ha!!

BRIDGET 
I know. What about sweet and sour prawn balls? 
Sweet for me...

NICK 
And sour for Hector's mum!

BRIDGET 
Nick, behave.

HECTOR 
Very funny. 
I will cook dinner.

BRIDGET 
And Nick will look after your mother because he's such a gentleman now.

NICK 
Don't you worry about Mrs R. She'll have a great time. Leave it to me.

HECTOR 
So, Annie, will you pretend?

ANNIE 
OK, Hector. For you, tonight I will pretend to be the perfect girlfriend.

BRIDGET 
Annie, you and I are going shopping.

BRIDGET
It’s obvious. 
Urrghh! Too Margaret Thatcher. 
Hector will love it, but, no. 
Perfect!

ANNIE [Composing email] 
Nadia, 
Hector's mother was here again today. Ooohhh! She is so rude to me.
MRS ROMERO 
Don't touch her!

ANNIE 
Your mother's right. Don't touch me!

ANNIE [Composing email]
Worse still, she’s coming to dinner tonight and Hector wants me 
to pretend to be the ‘perfect girlfriend’!

BRIDGET
No!

HECTOR 
You can pretend to be what my mother wants.

ANNIE 
What? Princess Caroline of Monaco?

BRIDGET 
Perfect!

BRIDGET [Composing email]
It’s working. I’m changing Nick into the perfect boyfriend.

NICK 
Yeah. 
Slave.

Assorted background noises

HECTOR 
Wow! Annie! You look great.

ANNIE 
I look 45 years old.

HECTOR 
But my mother will like it.

Sound of knocking on door

NICK
Ah-hah-hah! 
Snap!

MRS ROMERO 
Versace?

ANNIE 
Marks and Spencer's.

HECTOR 
… … … … …

MRS ROMERO 
Yes …………………......

BRIDGET 
Have you enjoyed your visit to London, Mrs Romero?

MRS ROMERO 
I love London. We often visit our friends, Liz and Phil.
ANNIE 
And where do they live?

MRS ROMERO 
Buckingham Palace.

NICK 
There you are, Mrs Romero.

MRS ROMERO 
Oh, you're so handsome, Nick.

HECTOR 
Annie has had an interesting day today, haven't you, Annie. 
Go on, Annie, tell Mother about your interesting day.

ANNIE 
OK. Well, our GM protest went very well today.

MRS ROMERO 
What's GM?

BRIDGET 
I don't know. Erm, Great Men, a Great Men protest.

MRS ROMERO
Really?

ANNIE 
It means genetically modified.

HECTOR 
Listen, Mum.

ANNIE 
So, so the farmer came over to see what we were doing...

MRS ROMERO 
Oh, GM, GM! Gorgeous Men! Oooh!

NICK 
Another drink, Mrs R?

MRS ROMERO 
Oh yes, Nick, please. 
You have lovely eyes.

ANNIE 
Anyway, he told us to go away and when we wouldn't...

NICK
There you are, madam.

MRS ROMERO 
Where did you learn your beautiful manners?

NICK 
Oh, I was born with them.

MRS ROMERO 
Sit down.

 

ANNIE 
And then the police arrested us, but I escaped prison so I could be here tonight.

HECTOR 
[Laughs nervously]
It is a joke! 
Come on, Mum, talk to Annie.

MRS ROMERO 
So Annie, Hector tells me you like animals.

ANNIE 
Oh, I love them, but I don't eat them. I'm a vegetarian.

MRS ROMERO
How odd.

NICK 
If we cannot eat animals, why are they made of meat then? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

MRS ROMERO 
[Laughing]
You're so funny, Nick. But I do love horses.

ANNIE 
Oh yes, they're wonderful.

MRS ROMERO 
And I love riding. 
I love your English hunt. 
Yes, the dogs, the handsome men in red coats.

ANNIE 
The dead fox.

MRS ROMERO 
Yes, the dead fox.

ANNIE 
No! It's cruel. The poor fox.

MRS ROMERO 
What do you know? 
You are not from a good family.

ANNIE 
There's nothing wrong with my family.

MRS ROMERO 
You are not family of beauty.

ANNIE 
Well, anyway, I don't believe that Hector is your son. He's too good-looking.

MRS ROMERO 
Right, that's it. I'm going.

HECTOR 
Mum, Annie didn't mean..., Annie, and Mum didn't mean...

MRS ROMERO & ANNIE
Yes we did!

ANNIE 
And another thing. 
You won't need hounds on a hunt. 
When the fox sees you coming, he'll run.

MRS ROMERO 
Hector, I shall see you in Argentina for your wedding. To our perfect princess.

Sound of door slamming

NICK 
Well, that went rather well, didn't it!

MRS ROMERO 
Oh, who is this? He’s darling!

HECTOR 
Oh, that's Charlie. Charlie belongs to Annie....

ANNIE 
… Me! 
He's my baby.

MRS ROMERO 
Isn't he gorgeous. 
Yes, darling, here's Mummy.

NICK
[Makes nervous laughing noise]

HECTOR 
Women!

BRIDGET 
So Hector, who's this Latin American princess?

HECTOR 
Er, well, my father wants me to marry her, but I will not, of course.

NICK 
Well, if you don't want her, I'll have her.

BRIDGET 
More wine, Nick!

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Nick gets a job as a bouncer.

NICK 
If your name's not on the guest list, then you cannot come in! Huh!

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Annie gets a tattoo, and Hector wants to be a tough guy. EXTRA, don't miss it.

BRIDGET

I love mixing with the stars!