Sound of banging on door

NICK 
Ah! What? Huh?

ANNIE 
Nick!

NICK 
Who is it?

ANNIE
It’s me, Annie.

NICK 
Oh.

ANNIE 
And this is Ziggy. 
Is Hector there?

NICK 
No, he's working tonight.

ANNIE 
Then you must help us, Nick.

NICK 
Huh?

ANNIE 
Take these. They are my babies, so look after them, please!

NICK 
Yeah, sure, no problem.

ANNIE 
Right. Ready, Ziggy? Come on, let's go. Hurry!

ANNIE
Yes, three o'clock.
Tell the others.
Bye!

BRIDGET 
"Animals are Human"? Annie. Animals are animals.

ANNIE 
But animals are like people.

BRIDGET 
Oh really, Annie? Look at this flat. How can I get ready?

ANNIE 
Sorry, Bridget.
BRIDGET 
I have a very important day today.

ANNIE 
Sorry.

BRIDGET 
I have big, big decisions to make. Like which dress. 
What do you think?

ANNIE 
Well, they're both nice.

BRIDGET 
I have such a busy morning. David Beckham, Madonna.

ANNIE 
What?! You're meeting them?

BRIDGET 
No, I'm reading about them, and then I'm having lunch - with guess who?

ANNIE 
Oh, er...

BRIDGET 
Yes! You've guessed it! Leonardo Di Caprio! Leonardo and me! Oooh!

ANNIE 
Wow! Leonardo Di Caprio? Just you, and him?

BRIDGET 
Well, nearly. There'll be 45 journalists there too, 
but really it's just me and gorgeous Leo!

ANNIE 
You and 45 others. I see. Anyway, 
this cosmetic factory experiments on animals for make-up and I really feel...,

BRIDGET 
Oh good, Hector, you're here. Now you can help me choose.

ANNIE 
Oh, you're back, Hector. Was it a difficult night at work, snuggly-puppykins?

HECTOR 
Yes, and the bad news is that Eunice wants me to go straight back.

ANNIE 
Why?

HECTOR 
There is a big news story happening today.

BRIDGET 
So Hector, which dress do you like best?

HECTOR 
This one.

BRIDGET 
You're sure?

 

HECTOR 
OK, that one.

BRIDGET 
But you just said this one first.

HECTOR 
Yes, I know, but Bridget, I am going to Channel Nine now. Are you coming?

BRIDGET 
Yes, Hector. 
And I can tell you all about Leonardo and me!

ANNIE 
The guinea pigs! Nick!

Sound of snoring

ANNIE
Good, they're OK.

Sound of snoring

Sound of knocking on door

ANNIE
I'm coming! 
Oh, Ziggy! Come in. Right, now, there are the posters. 
Now, a note for Nick. Ready, Ziggy? Bye, Charlie. Wish us luck! 
Oh! Wait a minute, Ziggy. 
OK, right, let's go.

ANNIE [Composing email]
Today is a very important day! 
It is protest day.

ANNIE
Wish us luck!

ANNIE [Composing email] 
And don't tell anyone I've stolen some guinea pigs.

ANNIE [Making phone call]
Yes, 3 o'clock. Tell the others. Bye!

BRIDGET 
I'm having lunch with Leonardo Di Caprio today! Leonardo and me - oooh!

BRIDGET
Leonardo and me – oooh!!

ANNIE 
Wow! 
Leonardo Di Caprio!

BRIDGET 
But I can't get ready! 
Annie and her hippie friends are getting ready to protest at some cosmetic factory - ha! 
Doesn't she understand how important today is for me?!

BRIDGET
I have big, big decisions to make. 
Which dress?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Ah, Hector. At last. I want you to go straight to Garrier's Cosmetic Factory.

HECTOR 
Why?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Because some horrid hippies are protesting there.

HECTOR 
Why?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Because they think Mr Garrier experiment on guinea pigs for make-up - ha! 
This is nonsense.
HECTOR 
Guinea pigs?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Hmm, you know, guinea pigs. Eee-eee-eee!

HECTOR 
Oh! Guinea pigs! Oh, how sweet.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
And these hippies have stolen his guinea pigs.

HECTOR 
Oh.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Poor Mr Garrier adores his little guinea pigs.

HECTOR 
Oh.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
He wants them back. He told me over dinner last night.

HECTOR 
Who is Mr Garrier?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Mr Garrier owns Channel Nine. 
And Mr Garrier has said we must make these protesters look very, very stupid. 
Now get going!

HECTOR 
Oh, oh, OK, Eunice. Oh...

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I want their heads!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh-oh!

BRIDGET 
Eunice?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Yes, Bridget?

BRIDGET 
Is there anything I can do?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, yes. I have a very important job for you. Get me a coffee. Black, no sugar.

NICK 
Oh, no, no, Bridget. I can't! I'm a married man! 
[Sound of telephone ringing]
Huh? Oh! What? Crazy, man! Guinea pigs!

ANNIE 
They are my babies, so look after them, please!

NICK 
Yeah, sure, no problem. Oh, yeah. Annie. Annie! Huh! OK, my little beauties. 
Time for breakfast. Come on! "Nick, very important. 
Keep my babies safe. I will call you. Annie." 
Huh! Does she think I'm stupid? Of course you're safe with me. 
Ha-ha! Now, let me introduce myself. My name is Nick. Yeah, hello there. 
Now, what's your name? Hmm, Kevin? How do you do, Kevin? 
And who's this? Janice? Is she your girlfriend, Kevin? 
OK, it's not that funny. Janice, I think you're very pretty, OK? 
So! These are all your friends. Wow! There are 8 of you. 
You must be hungry. Shall Uncle Nick get you something nice to eat, eh? 
OK. Ooh! Have they split up? 
Hollywood's most beautiful couple. Hmm! Oh, yes! Yes!

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

HECTOR
.... ... .... I cannot hear you!

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I said, "Find the leader".

HECTOR 
The what?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
The coordinator.

HECTOR 
Which one?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Her! Her! That one! 
The one with the big ears!

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

HECTOR 
Hello.

ANNIE 
Hello.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
This isn't a tea party. Ask her a question.

HECTOR 
OK. 
So how important is this protest?

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

ANNIE 
Well, well, yes, it's very important, 
because this factory – Garrier's - experiments on animals for make-up.

HECTOR 
And why is that bad?

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

ANNIE 
Because.., oh, because the poor animals are suffering.

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

HECTOR 
Oh, that's dreadful. 
The poor things.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Ohhhhh! Oh, poor little things. 
They're just guinea pigs! Ohhhhh! 
Hector, remember who Mr Garrier is? You do want your job.

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

HECTOR 
OK, so do you think this march will help the animals?

NICK 
Hey! It's Hector and Annie.

ANNIE 
This march is....

NICK 
Wow, man!

ANNIE 
We must stop Mr Garrier!

HECTOR 
I see.

ANNIE 
These scientists are using poor animals to test on hair dye, 
lipstick, mascara, blusher. They use...

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Well, tell her. Tell her we need make-up! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 
And where are the 8 guinea pigs they stole from the laboratory? 
I bet she knows. Ask her!

CROWD

GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

HECTOR 
OK. And do you know anything about some stolen guinea pigs?

ANNIE 
The guinea pigs are safe.

NICK 
Oh yeah, they're safe with me, aren't you, my pretty ones.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I bet she's got those guinea pigs! Ask her! Ask her!

HECTOR 
OK! Have you....

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Louder, ... ... ...

HECTOR 
Have you got.....

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
We've got her! Ask her again! Ask her again!

HECTOR 
Have you got the guinea pigs?

ANNIE 
Hector, why are you doing this? You know I love animals.

HECTOR 
I'm sorry, Annie. 
It's my job.

ANNIE 
Well, you can keep your job!

HECTOR 
Annie, please! Wait, I'm coming!

CROWD
GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT! GARRIER OUT!

HECTOR 
"This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine news." 
Annie, please! I can explain! Wait!

NICK [Composing email] 
Hey, Dan, last night Annie gave me a box - and guess what was in that box? 
Guinea pigs!

NICK
OK, my little beauties.

NICK [Composing email] 
Ha! Of course they're safe with me.

NICK 
They’re safe with me, aren’t you, my pretty ones.

 

 

ANNIE [Composing email] 
We were protesting outside Garrier's factory 
and I saw Hector reporting for Channel Nine. 
I thought, ‘Great, a sympathetic interview!’ 
Huh! His questions were so unfair!

HECTOR 
"Have you got the guinea pigs?"

ANNIE 
"Hector, why are you doing this?"

ANNIE [Composing email] 
How could he?!

HECTOR 
"This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine news." 
Annie, please! I can explain! 
Wait!

BRIDGET 
Bridget Di Caprio! Mrs Leonardo Di Caprio! 
Leonardo and Bridget Di Caprio! "Hello, Mrs Di Caprio!" 
"Oh, call me Bridget." "Is Leonardo there?" "No. 
He's on the beach with our two beautiful children and the dogs." 
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 
So aren't you going to ask me about my lunch?"

Sound of water sprayer

NICK 
Oi! What did you do that for?

BRIDGET 
Aren't you going to ask me about my lunch?

NICK 
What lunch?

BRIDGET 
My lunch with Leonardo!

NICK 
Leonardo who?

BRIDGET 
Leonardo Di Caprio, of course.

NICK 
So Bridget, how was your lunch with Leonardo Di Caprio?

BRIDGET 
Gorgeous! 
I was so funny. He loved me, he loved my dress, he loved my name.

NICK 
That's nice.

BRIDGET 
Now close your eyes. Go on, close your eyes. Ready?

NICK 
Ah...

BRIDGET 
Ta-daaa! What do you think?

NICK 
Very nice.

BRIDGET 
It was very expensive, but it's worth it, because tonight, 
I'm going to a premiere. Oh, I can't wait! 
I wonder if Leonardo will be there? 
Now I must get ready. Tonight, this little lady's going to shine! 
Tonight, this little lady's going to shine!

HECTOR 
Annie, I can explain. 
Listen. Annie, please talk to me.

NICK 
Hey, guys. Gre-at interview!

ANNIE 
You were not fair, Hector. 
You were asking awful questions.

NICK 
Yeah, they were pretty bad.

HECTOR 
It wasn't me. It was Eunice.

ANNIE 
Huh!

HECTOR
Hmm!

ANNIE
Oh, the guinea pigs!
Nick, where are they? I must take them to the animal sanctuary.

NICK 
We've been having a lovely time, haven't we, my friends! Huh! Hello! 
They're not here.

ANNIE 
What do you mean, they're not here?

NICK 
I mean, they're not here.

ANNIE 
So where are they, Nick? Oh!
Squeaking noises

NICK 
Everywhere?

ANNIE 
Ooooh!

 

 

 

 

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR 
I'll get it. 
Hello? Oh, hi, Eunice. Huh? 
Yes, Eunice. Ho-ho, OK, Eunice. 
No, Eunice. 
OK, Eunice. 
Bye, Eunice. 
It was Eunice!

ANNIE 
No.

HECTOR 
And after what happened today, she says that I...

ANNIE 
Oh, Hector! Your job! 
She's fired you! 
Oh, I'm so sorry, Hector. It's all my fault.

HECTOR 
She says that I must tell you that she is so pleased with the interview, 
she wants Channel Nine to fight against animal cruelty!

ANNIE 
Ohhh!

HECTOR 
Channel Nine's new motto is: "Animals are Human"!

ANNIE 
Ohhhh! That's fantastic news! 
Oh, good old Eunice. 
Oh! What about Mr Garrier?

HECTOR 
Oh, she said don't worry about Mr Garrier.

ANNIE 
Ohhhh!

NICK 
... .... errghhh!

ANNIE 
Right, let's find those guinea pigs.

NICK 
Yes, right away!

ANNIE 
Right, we found seven of them. 
There's just one guinea pig still missing.

NICK 
He's probably watching us.

HECTOR 
Yeah, and laughing at us.

 

Sound of intercom buzzer

HECTOR
Hello? OK, right. 
Bridget! Your taxi's here.

BRIDGET 
I'm coming. 
New girlfriend, Nick? 
Right, everyone, I'm just off to my premiere! 
Did I mention it? Proper acting. Perhaps you could learn something, Nick. 
Oops! Sorry, no spare ticket. Still, I'll tell you all about it later. 
Bye! Don't wait up!

Laughter

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, the friends go on holiday to Spain, 
Bridget finds her prince and Nick finds his princess. EXTRA, don't miss it.