NICK 
To be or not to be, that is the question. Whe..., oh no!

ANNIE 
Why is it so dark in here? What's going on? Nick,
 what are you doing? The sun is shining outside.

NICK 
Oh, hi, Annie.

ANNIE 
What are you doing?

NICK 
Nothing.

ANNIE 
Well, stand up then.

NICK 
I can't.

ANNIE 
Why not?

NICK 
Erm...

ANNIE 
Right, I'm coming over.

NICK 
... ..... OK.

ANNIE [Laughing]
Oh, nice outfit, Nick! 
Bridget, look at this!

BRIDGET
[Laughing]

NICK 
Oh, you can laugh, but one day, 
I will be a great actor. In fact, 
I might get a part in a Shakespeare production this week.

BRIDGET 
In your dreams!

ANNIE 
Did you have a good day at work, Bridget?

BRIDGET 
Oh, I'm so tired. Training with the England football team this morning. 
Oh, those boys - so cheeky! But they really know what they're talking about.
ANNIE 
Football?

BRIDGET 
No. Hairstyles and fashion, of course. Anyway, 
then I had lunch with Kylie Minogue's agent - lovely man. [Laughs] 
So funny! I'm exhausted.

ANNIE 
Oh!! Poor Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Euch, I must get changed.

ANNIE 
Now Bridget's a researcher for Channel Nine, 
all she talks about is sweet stars. Huh! Bleuhh! It's so boring.

NICK 
Huh? I'll be sweet when I'm famous.

BRIDGET 
Where are they? I thought so.

NICK 
“To die... to sleep …”

BRIDGET 
Nick!

NICK 
... ......?

BRIDGET 
Are those my tights?

NICK 
No. Huh!

BRIDGET 
Oh yes they are!

NICK 
Oh, these tights. Are they yours, Bridget?

BRIDGET 
I'll speak to you later. 
Now where's Hector? I have some exciting news for him.

HECTOR 
Oh, hi, Bridget. 
Hi, sugar-plum!

ANNIE 
Hi, snugly-puppykins!

HECTOR 
Hey, nice tights, man!

Laughter

BRIDGET 
Hector, I have some great news for you. 
Channel Nine is looking for a television reporter.
NICK 
Ah - I could do that!

BRIDGET 
Not an English reporter. 
A Latin American who speaks English.

HECTOR 
But I can't speak English very well.

BRIDGET 
Just audition.

ANNIE 
Go on, Hector, the camera will love you.

BRIDGET 
And so will the girls!

ANNIE 
Not all the girls, I hope.

HECTOR 
Well, if you think so, then...

BRIDGET 
Ah, Hector, with my help, the job is yours. 
And my new boss will be very impressed with me.

HECTOR 
OK, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Right! Let's do some research. 
Annie, we need CNN. Find it. And Nick?

NICK 
Yes?

BRIDGET 
I want my tights back - now.

NICK 
OK.

ANNIE 
You want your tights back?

BRIDGET 
They are Versace. The remote, please, Annie.

NICK 
Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.

Sound of banging

ANNIE 
What's wrong with it?

HECTOR 
I don't know. I think it's broken.

 

BRIDGET 
Well, we'll have to go to your place then.

NICK 
Ah! There you are.

BRIDGET 
Shhh, Nick. We're watching CNN. 
We're doing research for Hector's new job!

NICK 
Hector's new job? What about my new job? 
I need to do research as well.

BRIDGET 
Nick!

NICK 
There! That's better.

VOICE ON TELEVISION
To be or not to be...

BRIDGET 
What's this?

NICK 
Hamlet - a tragedy.

ANNIE 
What's it about?

NICK 
Love. Madness. And murder. 
Hamlet's father, the king, is killed by Hamlet's uncle, 
who then marries Hamlet's mother, 
so Hamlet kills his uncle and his mother and then he dies.

BRIDGET 
That sounds like my family.

NICK 
It's a masterpiece. I'd be great as Hamlet.

BRIDGET 
Oh! My tights!

NICK 
Oh, Bridget, I had an accident.

BRIDGET 
Buy me another pair or you will have an accident!

ANNIE
Accident or murder?!

NICK 
OK, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Right, I'm off.

ANNIE 
Me too.
HECTOR 
Goodnight, sugar-plum.

ANNIE 
Night, snuggly-puppykins.

HECTOR 
Oh, Nick, I am worried.

NICK 
Hector, I know what you mean. When women talk like that, it is time to move on.

HECTOR 
No, not Annie. 
This television reporter's job. I don't really think I can do it.

NICK 
Hector, of course you can. What you need is...

HECTOR 
Talent?

NICK 
No! You don't need talent. You need Nick's School for Television Reporters.

HECTOR 
Nick's School for Television Reporters?

NICK 
Yeah! I will teach you to be a television reporter.

HECTOR 
OK!

NICK 
OK. 
Rule number one: imagine you are talking to a beautiful woman. 
"Good evening, this is Nick Jessop, 
reporting from the Houses of Parliament just for you." 
Rule number two: be mysterious. 
"I am here to tell you the Houses of Parliament may look normal, 
but all is not as it seems." 
Rule number three: make them trust you. 
"I can reveal that this building is actually an alien space station. 
Trust me. Trust Nick Jessop. I will always tell you the truth. 
See you later. Goodnight and sleep tight." Do it like that, Hector, and you will get the job.

HECTOR 
"Hi, this is Hector Romero."

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
‘Chrissy, we need a new TV reporter at Channel Nine and I think Hector will be perfect.’

HECTOR 
Well, if you think so.

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
‘Of course, I will train him. 
My new boss will be very impressed.’

HECTOR 
OK, Bridget.

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
‘And this morning, I found Nick wearing my Versace tights.’
NICK 
Oh, these tights!

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
He's a strange boy.

NICK [Composing email] 
‘Guess what, Dan! I've discovered Shakespeare. "To die, to sleep ..." 
I love it!
And I taught Hector how to be a television reporter. 

NICK
Nick’s School for Television Reporters!

NICK [Composing email] 
I'm sure he'll get the job!

BRIDGET 
Did you get my fax? Well, did you get my email? 
What did Sting say? Will he do the interview? 
You won't even ask him? He's never heard of Channel Nine? Oh, please. Please! Please! 
Well can I meet him? I can? Where is he? At the airport? I'll be there. Yes!

Sound of knocking on door

WOMAN
Hector Romero for you, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
No. 
Hector, I forgot your audition. Listen, 
I must go out for one hour. Sting wants to see me! 
Don't worry. Just remember everything 
I've told you. Here's the script, there's the camera. Must dash! Be back in an hour!

HECTOR 
But.., I... 
"Hello, this is Hector Romero for Channel Nine."

BRIDGET 
What a day! 
First Sting had already departed for New York and now this! This! From you, Hector!

HECTOR 
Sorry, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Was this Nick's idea?

HECTOR 
Erm...

BRIDGET 
I thought so.

HECTOR 
So, have I got the job?

BRIDGET 
What do you think? 
Goodbye, Hector. And the new editor will be here soon.

Right! Nick!

Sound of mobile phone ringing

NICK [reading text message]
"Nick., I am too angry to speak. Bridget."

Sound of mobile phone ringing

NICK 
Huh!
Hi, Bridget!

BRIDGET 
Nick.

NICK 
I thought you were too angry to speak to me.

BRIDGET 
Shut up, Nick. How dare you.

NICK 
How dare I what?

BRIDGET 
Teach Hector to be a news reporter!

NICK 
Ah, ahm, sorry, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
He was ridiculous. "Hi, sexy, this is Hector Romero." 
My new editor will be here soon and I wanted to impress her.

NICK 
So will Hector get the job then?

BRIDGET 
Of course he won't get the job. You made me look a fool. 
You.., you and Hector are so stupid!

ANNIE 
Who was that?

NICK 
Wrong number.

ANNIE 
Hey, Nick, look at this. This could be perfect for you.

NICK 
What is it?

ANNIE [Reading advert]
"Is Shakespeare in your blood? Could you be our Hamlet?"

NICK 
Yeah!

ANNIE 
"Do you love performing?"

NICK 
Yeah!

 

ANNIE 
"Do you love travelling?"

NICK 
Yeah!

ANNIE 
"Do people adore you?"

NICK 
Naturally!

ANNIE 
"Then we need you. Call this number for a Shakespearean experience."

NICK 
Wow! Hamlet! My dream! 
I'll call now. I must learn my lines. "To be... to be..."

ANNIE 
"Or not to be?"

BRIDGET
Aagh!!!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Hello, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Eunice, what are you doing here?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Long time no see, Bridget. And how's Nick? Does he miss me?

BRIDGET 
No. Er, yes.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh! You have a new hairstyle.

BRIDGET 
Yeah. So have you.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Yes, but the difference is, mine looks good.

BRIDGET 
Yes.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Anyway, Bridget, I am your new editor. 
Surprised?

BRIDGET 
No, no, no.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Good. OK. 
Two rules. One: I am your editor and I am always right. 
Two: you are the researcher, you are always wrong.
OK?

 

BRIDGET 
OK.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
OK. 
Now what have you got for me today?

BRIDGET 
Well, Sting would love to come for an interview, but...

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
… But he's not coming.

BRIDGET 
No. 
But we need a new reporter and... and... and 
I have found you the most perfect person. 
He's Latin American, speaks English and he's very sexy. 
Watch this. I know you'll love him.

HECTOR 
"Hi, sexy. This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine. 
Wow, you look beautiful today. 
Guess what? There's been a diamond robbery in London. 
I would love to put diamonds on those pretty ears. 
But you, yes, you can sleep safely in your bed tonight. 
This is Hector Romero. I'll be back."

BRIDGET 
Well?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Of course! Hector! 
Oh, he is perfect!

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
‘What a day! Hector's audition was a disaster.’

HECTOR 
"Hello, this is Hector Romero for Channel Nine."

BRIDGET 
‘Guess who interfered? Nick!’

BRIDGET 
Right, Nick!

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
‘And worse still, guess who is my new boss?
Eunice Mountain!’

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I am your new editor.

BRIDGET [Composing email] 
‘But the good news is, she loved Hector.’

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, he is perfect!

ANNIE [Composing email] 
‘We’ve found a perfect role for Nick. Hamlet, by William Shakespeare.’

NICK 
My dream!

ANNIE [Composing email] 
‘He's very excited!’

ANNIE 
Oh, don't worry, Hector, my little puppykins. 
I'm sure you would have been a very good reporter.

HECTOR 
But Bridget is angry with me.

ANNIE 
Huh! Don't worry about Bridget.

NICK 
Guess what? I've got the job.

ANNIE 
Hamlet?

HECTOR 
Shakespeare? Congratulations, man!

ANNIE 
Oh, great! When do you start?

NICK 
Tonight. I've got the costume already. 
I think I will go and wash my motorbike.

HECTOR 
You haven't got a motorbike.

NICK 
I have now.

BRIDGET 
Hi, everyone! 
Hector, you have a visitor - my new editor! Eunice, do you remember Hector?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Hmm. 
How could I forget? And of course Nick! I could never forget you!

BRIDGET 
I thought you had a motorbike to wash?

NICK 
Thank you.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Hector, I just popped in to say congratulations. 
You've got the job! Isn't it wonderful?

BRIDGET 
Eunice really liked your tape.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, you are perfect, Hector.

BRIDGET 
Hector will have such fun.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I'm off. Oh, see you at 8 o'clock sharp tomorrow morning, Hector. Hmm! Oh, hmm!

 

BRIDGET 
There's no need to thank me, Hector.

ANNIE
Oh, I think I’ve got something in my eye.
Well, it was nice while it lasted, but now, Annie, 
it is time to say goodbye to Hector. 
He is going to be a famous news reporter, 
so there'll be no room for little old you.

HECTOR 
It's OK, Annie. 
Whatever happens, we will always be together.

ANNIE 
But you'll forget me when you're a famous news reporter.

HECTOR 
However many stories I report - murders, bank robberies, 
small cats in trees - I shall never forget you. 
You, light of my life. "This is Hector Romero for Channel Nine, London."

ANNIE 
Oh, Hector!

HECTOR 
Oh, Annie!

BRIDGET 
Oh no. 
Nick?

NICK 
Yes? 
No! Ohh... 
"To eat or not to eat. That is the question." 
Hamlet's burgers - eat them without question.

Sound of laughter

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Annie wants to save the animals, 
Bridget has a date with Leonardo di Caprio, and what is in Nick's box? 
EXTRA, don't miss it.

NICK

That's nice.