ANNIE [Reading note]
"Dear Tenants, my cousin, your landlady, is on holiday this week, 
so I am in charge. The same rules apply: no pets, no parties, 
no visitors, especially boys. Yours, Eunice Mountain." 
Eunice Mountain? She sounds terrible! Worse than the tarantula.

BRIDGET
If that’s possible.

ANNIE
Do you think she’ll say no shelves?

BRIDGET 
She can't. They'll look fantastic. "The timber shelves in clear 
lacquered beech veneer with six castors and a TV bench."

ANNIE
Ooh! Now, where shall we begin?

BRIDGET 
Annie, it's easy. Rule number one: always read the instructions first.

ANNIE 
Well, that will only take a week.

BRIDGET 
OK, let's have a drink before we begin. Milk, Annie?

ANNIE 
Yes, please.

BRIDGET 
“I owe you, Nick.” 
There! Well, no milk. Would you like some sparkling water?

ANNIE
Right.

BRIDGET
"I owe you, Nick." "I owe you, Nick." "I owe you, Nick!" How dare he? Aha! 
Would you like some cola?

NICK 
Thanks, Bridget, I was looking for that.

BRIDGET 
Nick!

NICK 
Huh? Sorry.

BRIDGET 
Add it to the list. 
Or ask your flat mate to buy your food.

NICK 
Huh? Wow!

BRIDGET 
You didn't know Hector was rich?

NICK 
No.

BRIDGET 
I'll speak to you later!

HECTOR 
Wow, what are all these boxes?

ANNIE 
Our new shelves, Hector.

HECTOR 
I can help you build them. Where are the instructions?

NICK 
Hector, my friend, rule number one: never read the instructions.

ANNIE 
Ohhh, I see you have a note from our new landlady then.

BRIDGET
Eunice Mountain!

NICK 
Eunice Mountain. I bet she's the same size. 
[Sound of intercom buzzing] Hello? It's Eunice Mountain. 
Who am I? I'm Nick, from Flat B. Oh, you want Flat A? This is... 
[Sound of intercom buzzing] Hello? Yes, this is Flat A. 
Yes, I am Nick from Flat B. Yes, I know this isn't my flat.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I want to see you downstairs - now!

NICK 
Sorry. OK. Right away.

BRIDGET 
Well?

NICK 
Eunice Mountain wants to see me downstairs now.

HECTOR 
Oh, bad luck, man.

ANNIE 
Oh dear.

BRIDGET
Ask her if she has any milk, bread and biscuits.

NICK 
Ha-ha..

ANNIE 
OK, so: "First open box A and take out shelf number 1."

 

BRIDGET
But which is box A?

HECTOR 
This is box C.

ANNIE 
And I've got box D.

HECTOR 
Ah, I've got it. This is shelf number 1.

ANNIE 
No, Hector. This is shelf number 1.

BRIDGET 
No, this is shelf number 1.

ANNIE 
Oh, this is a nightmare.

HECTOR 
OK, Annie, read out the instructions.

ANNIE [Reading instructions]
"Put shelf 1 against the wall." 
Hector, I think the books will fall off.

Sound of door to flat opening and closing

BRIDGET 
So what's Eunice Mountain like?

NICK 
You know, not bad.

HECTOR 
Are you in trouble?

NICK 
Probably.

HECTOR 
I've got it - put pole B on the left and pole A on the right 
and the shelf on top. Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Like this, Hector? Have you put up shelves before, Hector?

HECTOR 
Many times.

BRIDGET 
Or do your servants do it for you?

NICK 
I'll do it!

HECTOR 
No, no, no, I'll do it.

NICK 
Drop! Drop! Ha! I laugh at instructions.

BRIDGET 
Oh, that was clever.

HECTOR 
It's OK. I can straighten it.

NICK 
Aha! Stand back and watch the master at work!

Sound of wood being sawed

NICK
Da-daaa!

ANNIE 
Oh, well done, Nick.

BRIDGET
Hmm.

HECTOR 
Wow!

BRIDGET 
So where does this piece go?

Sound of knocking on door

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Hi, I'm Eunice Mountain, your new landlady.

BRIDGET [Composing email]
‘Anyway, guess what I have discovered? 
Hector's family - the Romero Family - is one of the richest in Argentina! 
Can you believe it?!’

NICK
Wow!

ANNIE [Composing email]
‘The good news is: our landlady has gone on holiday! 
The bad news is: her cousin -  Eunice Mountain -  is our temporary landlady. 
She sounds awful.’

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Hi.

BRIDGET 
Hello. I, I, I, I am Bridget, and this is Annie.

ANNIE 
Hello.

BRIDGET 
And this is Hector from Argentina.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Well, hello, Hector.

BRIDGET 
Hector lives next door with Nick.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I've met Nick already, haven't I, Nick.

NICK 
Oh yes, that's right.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Hmm, we need to talk about your rent - in private.

NICK 
Gre-at – uhhh!!

HECTOR [Reading instructions]
"Measure the distance between the shelves." 
Oh. Aha. Annie, hold this, please. Aha, that's it, uh-huh. And this should be it!

ANNIE 
Hector, do you think that's correct? These shelves are for mice.

BRIDGET
Can I speak to you please, Hector?

HECTOR 
Hmm?

BRIDGET 
So, Hector, one of the richest families in Argentina, the Romero family. 
There you are, Hector! So why the secret?

HECTOR 
Because I wanted you to like me, not my money.

BRIDGET 
Oh Hector, of course I do. Who else knows?

HECTOR 
Nick.

BRIDGET 
I thought so.

HECTOR 
But not Annie. Don't tell Annie - yet.

BRIDGET 
Why, Hector?

HECTOR 
Because Bridget, I ..., because...

BRIDGET 
Yes?

HECTOR 
Because I - I am in love with Annie.

NICK 
Nick has entered the building!

BRIDGET 
So where are you going looking like John Travolta?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
He has a date with  me, haven't you, darling.

HECTOR 
Another date?

BRIDGET 
But that's three times this week!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Four. 
We've been to dinner, to the theatre, 
to the cinema and last night - salsa dancing!

BRIDGET 
Can you salsa?

NICK & EUNICE
Whooo!!!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I am the salsa queen!

BRIDGET 
Yeah, with two left feet.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Pardon?

BRIDGET 
Nothing.

HECTOR 
It sounds great.

BRIDGET 
What is it tonight? 
Ping pong?

NICK 
Tonight's it's karaoke.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
And I am the karaoke queen! Let's go.
Bye! “I love yo-u-u!”

BRIDGET [Mimicking Eunice]
"I am the karaoke queen!" 
I bet she sings like a toad.

ANNIE 
So, Hector, where were we?

HECTOR 
OK, I think I've got it, Annie.

Assorted b/g noises/music

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I did knock, but the music was so loud, you didn't hear me. 
I thought we'd have a little chat. Rule number two: no underwear on the radiator.

ANNIE

Oh, well, it's dry now. Give it to me. Give it to...., thank you.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Let me repeat the rules. 
No parties and no visitors, especially boys. 
Especially boys from next door. 
Especially Nick. He's mine! 
Get the message?

ANNIE 
Erm, yeah, we get the message.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
See you later. Oh, by the way, that shelf is not straight. Bye!

BRIDGET 
Well, I have never! 
What does she..., who does she think she is?

ANNIE 
The landlady's cousin?
BRIDGET 
Oooh, I know that, but no Hector and no Nick? How dare she?

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Coo-eee!

Coo-eee!

NICK [groaning]

NICK [groaning]

HECTOR 
How is Eunice?

NICK [groaning]

HECTOR 
Problems?

NICK 
She is very nice.

HECTOR 
But?

NICK 
But - she's just not my type.

HECTOR 
What do you mean?

NICK 
Look, presents. 
More presents. Flowers. More presents. Chocolate. 
And her energy! I'm exhausted!

Sound of knocking on door

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Nick! Ooh, Nick! 
Coo-eee! Let's go dancing!

NICK 
Hector, get rid of her!

HECTOR 
Get rid of her? How?

NICK 
Say something!

HECTOR 
What shall I say?

NICK 
Anything! Tell her I'm not well. 
I've eaten a hedgehog. I've gone to the moon.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Knocking on door]
Oh, Nick, are you in there?

NICK 
Go on!

HECTOR 
OK, OK! Oh, hi.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
You're not Nick.

HECTOR 
No. Nick.., Nick's hedgehog has gone to the moon.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Pardon?

HECTOR 
Nick's hedgehog is not well. Nick is sad.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
So, he must come dancing to make him happy.

HECTOR 
No, no! 
He cannot dance!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Why not?

HECTOR 
He stood on the hedgehog without shoes. Very painful.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, very messy!

HECTOR 
So he cannot dance.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh, that's a pity. 
Well, never mind.

HECTOR 
Yeah, sorry. 
Bye.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Da-da-da-da! 
You'll just have to come instead!

HECTOR 
Pardon?!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Come on, let's dance!

ANNIE [Composing email]
‘Yes, Hector is still building the shelves. 
I don't know why he is so keen to help! 
Still, I like it!’ 

ANNIE
Do you think that’s correct?

ANNIE
‘And poor Nick! He looks exhausted! 
He's going out with Eunice. They've been to the theatre, 
the cinema, a restaurant, a salsa club and a karaoke club. 
She is the Karaoke Queen!’

NICK & EUNICE 
Oooooohhhhhh!

ANNIE 
I don't think Bridget likes her.

ANNIE
"And tighten the screws." Annie, you are a genius. 
Hi, Hector.

HECTOR 
Hi, Annie.

ANNIE 
What's the matter? Are you OK?

HECTOR 
I am exhausted.

ANNIE 
What happened?

HECTOR 
Last night, Eunice and I...
ANNIE 
Yes?

HECTOR 
She made me...

ANNIE 
Yes?

HECTOR 
… Go dancing.

ANNIE 
Oh!

HECTOR 
Annie, she dances like a rhinoceros. 
Whoa! Annie! The shelves! You finished them!

ANNIE 
Oh, just a bit more measuring.

HECTOR 
I will help you.

ANNIE 
Oh.

HECTOR 
Oh.

ANNIE 
Sorry.

HECTOR 
Sorry.

ANNIE 
It's OK. 
It happens when people work together. So, where were we? 
Ah! "For the final shelf, take..." oh! Hector! Oohhh!

NICK 
Help! Hide me!
Wooo!!

HECTOR 
Eunice?

NICK 
Eunice. 
Oh Bridget, save me!

BRIDGET 
Why?

NICK 
It's Eunice.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Knocking on door]
Nick! Coo-eee! Oh, Nick!

NICK 
Oh, there she is! 
She's too much!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
I know you are in there, Nick. 
Bridget, Annie, I said no boys.

BRIDGET 
Shall I get rid of her, Nick?

NICK 
Oh, yes, please! But how?

BRIDGET 
I'll think of something. Annie, let Miss Mountain in.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Ah, there you are, Nick. And Hector! 
Bridget, I thought I said no boys.

BRIDGET 
Yes, you did!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Especially boys from next door.

BRIDGET 
Yes, yes, you did!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Especially …  

BRIDGET
… Nick, he’s mine!!

EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oooh!
Well … just wait until I tell my cousin!
Oh, by the way, Hector, I’ve got a fax for you.

HECTOR 
Oh? Oh, please, give it to me.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
It's from your father. It says, "Coming to London to meet... 
the Prime Minister? My jet arrives at midday. Will phone. Father." 
Ooh! Actually, Hector, I think you're more my type.

ANNIE 
I, I don't think so, Eunice.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN 
Oh! 
Goodbye.

ANNIE 
Oh, and don't slam the... door. 
Oop! 
So Hector, your father is flying to London 
in his private jet to meet the Prime Minister?

BRIDGET 
Well, they are one of the richest families in Argentina.

NICK 
So Bridget, where were we?

BRIDGET 
No, Nick.

NICK 
Huh?

BRIDGET 
The trick worked. Eunice is gone.

HECTOR 
Annie, I will buy you a million shelves.

 

ANNIE 
Ooh, well, we better start measuring for them then.

HECTOR
Oh-ho-ho!

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Nick dresses up, 
Bridget is working hard in television 
and Hector goes for an audition! EXTRA, don't miss it!