VOICES ON TELEVISION
I can't live without you. I love you. 
I love you too, but it's for the best. 
It's finished. Oh, but darling, no. I'll die without you.

ANNIE
[Blows nose]
No, she can't!

BRIDGET
No, she can’t! He’s too good looking!

ANNIE
And her husband’s so awful!

VOICE ON TELEVISION
I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than...

Sound of telephone

BRIDGET
It’s your turn.

ANNIE 
Hello? A message for who? Rock Thrust? 
I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong number. 
That's OK. Bye.

BRIDGET 
Well, who was that?

ANNIE 
Someone wanted Rock Thrust.

BRIDGET 
Rock Thrust? What a stupid name.

ANNIE 
I know. Who would have a silly name like that?

NICK 
Go, go, go, go, go! It's a raid!

HECTOR 
Don't move. Legs in the air.

NICK 
Hands. Not legs, hands in the air.


HECTOR 
Oh, sorry. 
Hands in the air.

BRIDGET
Hello Nick.

ANNIE
Hello Hector.

NICK 
How did you know it was us?

ANNIE 
Oh, lucky guess.

BRIDGET 
Great. It's like Piccadilly Circus here on a Friday night. 
This apartment is very busy. 
Crazy phone calls, crazy names and now the FBI!

NICK 
So Bridget, darling, any messages for me?

BRIDGET 
What do you mean, messages? 
Who do you think I am? Your secretary? 
This is not your apartment. You do not live here. 
I never have any privacy.

NICK 
But they cut off my telephone.

BRIDGET 
That's not my problem. You should pay your bills.

HECTOR 
Sorry, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
And Hector, you live with Nick now. Please knock on the door. 
Now I want to be alone!

Sound of door slamming

NICK 
Well, that went well. What's wrong with her?

ANNIE 
Nick, what day is it?

NICK 
Wednesday.

ANNIE 
And what time is it?

HECTOR 
I know. Half past six.

ANNIE 
So...
NICK and HECTOR
So...

ANNIE 
So what's on television?

NICK 
Oh, Love's True Dream.

HECTOR 
Love's True Dream. What is that?

NICK 
"Oh, Alberto, Alberto! I love you, I love you", 
"And I love you too, Penelope". Bridget's favourite programme.

ANNIE 
Yeah, and mine.

HECTOR 
Oh, really, Annie? Why?

ANNIE 
Because it's about the simple love of a boy from Argentina 
and a girl from England.

HECTOR 
Huh?

ANNIE 
The simple love of a boy from Argentina 
and a girl from England.

HECTOR 
Nice.

ANNIE 
Oh, Hector! I love this advert.

HECTOR 
What is it?

ANNIE 
It's for chocolate mousse - shhh! 
"Chocolate so smooth it will melt a beautiful lady's heart.
Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lov-ers". 
Hmmm, I love chocolate mousse. 
Hey! This advert's good too. 
"Oooh, popcorn in the microwave, popcorn in just seconds,
popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!"

HECTOR 
And do you like popcorn, Annie?

ANNIE 
Oh yeah, especially pop-tastic popcorn.

HECTOR 
Well, we don't have pop-tastic popcorn in Argentina, 
but we make great popcorn.

 

ANNIE 
Yeah?

HECTOR 
Yes, I'll make it in the frying pan.
NICK 
Oh yes! Yes, great! I've got the part, I've got the part!

HECTOR 
Wow, man! That is great!

ANNIE 
What is it?

NICK 
Let's just say that my face will be on your television 
every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience.

HECTOR 
O-ho! "Ladies and gentleman, a star is born!".

ANNIE 
Oh, Nick, that's fantastic!

HECTOR 
Ha-ha! This is it, Nick. 
Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood.

Sound of cameras clicking

NICK 
I'd just like to thank my parents, my brothers and sisters, 
my dog, ...... and of course my adorable girlfriend, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Huh! I don't think so. Anyway, what's going on?

ANNIE 
Oh, it's wonderful news, Bridget.

HECTOR 
Nick is going to be on television.

BRIDGET 
Well, tell us, Nick, what is it?

NICK 
Well, it's on every night. It'll be hot. 
Sometimes it'll be stormy, so will you still love me when I'm a superstar?

BRIDGET 
Yes, Nick, and I'm going to help you to be a great superstar.

NICK 
Yes!

 

BRIDGET 
Lesson number one: This is how all superstars make a big exit. 
Goodbye, Nick. See you at the Oscars. 
Annie?

ANNIE 
Uh-huh?

BRIDGET 
I really think you're watching too many adverts.

ANNIE 
What do you mean, too many adverts?

BRIDGET 
Well, remember Chunky Chunks?

ANNIE 
Oh, Chunky Chunks. 
"Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge! 
Nick, in front of you are two plates 
and all you have to do is tell me which plate 
is Chunky Chunks - A or B. 
Ready? OK. 
This is Plate A."

NICK 
Hmm.

ANNIE 
"Good. And this is Plate B."

NICK 
Huh.

ANNIE 
"OK, Nick. Which plate do you think was Chunky Chunks? A or B?"

NICK 
Well, they both smelled great.

ANNIE 
"Correct! Well done! 
Both plates were Chunky Chunks!"

NICK
By the way, Annie.

ANNIE 
Uh-huh?

NICK 
What are Chunky Chunks?

ANNIE 
Dog food, of course.

BRIDGET 
Do you see what I mean?

 

ANNIE 
I think so. What's that noise?

HECTOR 
Oh, Annie's popcorn.

ANNIE 
My popcorn?

HECTOR 
Yes, I wanted to make popcorn just for you.

ANNIE 
Oh Hector, thank you. Oh, you are sweet.

BRIDGET 
I like popcorn too, Hector.

BRIDGET [composing  email] 
‘This apartment is very busy! 
Crazy phone calls for a stranger called Rock Thrust.’

BRIDGET 
‘Rock Thrust? What a stupid name!’

ANNIE 
I know!

BRIDGET [composing  email]
‘Hector and Nick come in without knocking!’

NICK 
Go, go, go, go, go!

BRIDGET 
And Annie is crazy about adverts!

ANNIE
"Popcorn in your tummy, they're pop-tastic!"

NICK 
... ... guess what? I've got the part.

HECTOR 
Man, that is great!

NICK 
I'm gonna be a star! 
[composing  email]  ‘My own show, 
every night at 6 o'clock in front of a huge audience!’

HECTOR 
Today, London, tomorrow, Hollywood.

NICK 
Ah, I co-starred with Russell Crowe in this one.

HECTOR

You, in Gladiator? Wow, Nick, I didn't realise. What were you?

NICK 
The centurion.

HECTOR 
Which centurion?

NICK 
Ah! Here it is. There, that's me, on the ground.

HECTOR 
Huh! A dead centurion.

NICK 
Yeah, good, eh? I had some words, but they were cut.

HECTOR 
What did you say?

NICK 
"Nwrraaahhh!" 
Hey, but now I've got the whole script just for me on television every night.

HECTOR 
Nick, tell me, what is it?

NICK 
It's my show. When I'm a star, I will not forget you, my friend.

VOICE ON TELEVISION
...Join me at 5.30 PM today when 
I'll show you how to make a delicious chocolate mousse, 
a dessert for lovers. You'll need chocolate, eggs and butter.
And don't forget the way to a heart is through the stomach.

HECTOR 
The way to the heart is through the stomach. What does that mean?

NICK 
It means if you want a girlfriend, cook for her.

HECTOR 
I want to learn how to cook.

ANNIE 
Anyway, what do you mean by I watch too many adverts?

BRIDGET 
Well, remember when you wanted us to change our washing powder?

ANNIE 
Oh, ho! "Hello there. As a mother, I must fight different stains every day. 
Tomato ketchup. Chocolate - huh! Gravy. And egg. 
But help is here! 
I will wash one shirt in ordinary washing powder and the other in new Zap! 
So, the shirt washed in normal washing powder is - oh! - still dirty, 
but the shirt washed in new Zap is …” Oh!

BRIDGET 
Annie, have you seen my red T-shirt anywhere?

ANNIE 
Oops!

BRIDGET 
See what I mean?

HECTOR 
Oh, hello, Bridget.

BRIDGET 
Hello, Hector.

HECTOR 
Oh, hi, Annie.

NICK 
Oh, thank you. Yes, I know.

HECTOR 
Do you know where Nick is?

BRIDGET 
No, we've just arrived.

NICK 
I'm a great actor.

ANNIE 
I think I know where Nick is.

NICK 
.....Would love to do the part, but I'm too busy. 
No, it's not the money, but I don't need 15 million quid. 
Look, talk to my agent, Bridget, huh?

BRIDGET 
I have an idea.

NICK 
Oh, so Robert de Niro said yes already. 
Hmm, well... hello?

Telephone rings

BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary]
Hello? Nick Jessop?

NICK 
Yeah.

BRIDGET [pretending to be a Hollywood agent's secretary]
I have an executive from Warner Brothers on the line for you.

NICK 
Right.

HECTOR [pretending to be a Hollywood executive]
Hello Nick. You are very big in England. What are you working on now?

NICK 
Hi. Well, it's something that all of England watches. 
It's the... You can laugh, but tomorrow night at 6 o'clock, 
you will see that Nick from next door has star quality 
and then Spielberg will call. Now excuse me, I must learn my line.

ANNIE [composing  email] 
‘You know how much l love adverts. Do you remember my Chunky Chunks?’
"Hello and welcome to the Chunky Chunks challenge!" ‘And Zap!’ 
"New Zap!" 
My favourite advert right now is for chocolate mousse. 
"Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lovers".

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]
Hello all you gorgeous chefs. And welcome to Charlotte's Kitchen. 
Today - hmmm! - chocolate mousse, a dessert for lovers. First, take some chocolate.

HECTOR 
Chocolate.

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]
And melt it over hot water.

HECTOR 
Melt? 
Oh! Over hot water.

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]
Now, my darlings, you must separate the eggs into two bowls.

HECTOR 
Separate the eggs?

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]
Separate the yolk from the white.

HECTOR 
Oh, the, the...

ANNIE 
Hector?

HECTOR 
Ah, hello, Annie.

CHARLOTTE [TV VOICE]
Mix the yolk and the chocolate. Add the butter. 
And now for the fun - whisking! I love whisking, don't you?

HECTOR 
Oh, whisking?

ANNIE 
Ah! You need Annie's magic whisk.

HECTOR 
Yes, please.

 

CHARLOTTE 
Nearly finished, my darlings. 
Finally, add the whites to the chocolate and put it in the fridge. 
And in 30 minutes, this delicious chocolate mousse 
will be ready for your lover to taste - hmm!

HECTOR 
And put it in the fridge - mwahh!

BRIDGET 
Why Hector, who's the lucky lady? I think I know! Hmm! 
Chocolate mousse, my favourite dessert.

ANNIE
Nick!!
What time is it?!

HECTOR 
Six o'clock.

ANNIE 
Quick! Change channels!

VOICE ON TELEVISION
It's 6 o'clock and time for the weather with Rock Thrust! 
With Rock Thrust. 

NICK [Rock Thrust]
Oh, me. Oh, I’m ready.

ANNIE 
The weather? Rock Thrust?

HECTOR 
Nick!

NICK 
Hi! I'm Rock Thrust. And here is the weather - big smile. 
And here is the weather. In the south, it will be hot. (Sun, sun.) 
Oh, sorry. Hot. So put on your beach clothes. 
And in the west, it'll be windy. 
And in the east, it will rain, so don't forget your umbrella - ha! 
And there could be some..., 
Oh, no, not lightning. Ha! 
And that's the weather with me, Rock Thrust.

HECTOR 
Ah, come in and sit down. Close your eyes. 
Now, are you ready for a taste of paradise? 
Chocolate so smooth it will melt a beautiful lady's heart. Ready?

ANNIE 
Hmmm! 
"Chocolate mousse, the chocolate dessert for lovers". 
Oh, Hector, that was so much fun! I love doing adverts, 
especially with your delicious chocolate mousse.

HECTOR 
Oh, I'm glad you like it.

BRIDGET 
Well, hello! It's Rock Thrust. Would you like your messages, Mr Thrust? 
As your agent, I take 10 per cent.
ANNIE 
Oh, poor Nick. You must be very tired now.

NICK 
Yeah, I am.

ANNIE 
Working in television must be exhausting.

NICK 
Yes, because I had to run all the way from the studio.

HECTOR 
Run? 
Why?

NICK 
Because I was chased.

COMMENTARY [v.o.]
Next time in EXTRA, Bridget wins the Lottery, 
Nick finds love at the traffic lights and why does Hector become a dustman?

EXTRA, don't miss it.